New theme song?

I think I have found my new theme song. I wasn't even looking for one. I was browsing youtube for music from 2001, (year I graduated high school) and in one of the "Top Song" clips, I found this song! I remember loving this song when I was in high school.

"Survivor" by Destiny's Child

Red Lipstick

I put on red lipstick yesterday simply because I was feeling down and depressed.   I've always known that I feel more confident and sexy in red lipstick and that it lifts my spirits.  Why I don't wear it daily I don't know.  I have a couple shades that I really enjoy wearing, but I feel it is too much to wear out and about though.  I guess you could say that I'm a closet red lipstick wearer.  I need to get my confidence up to wear it out and about.  I want to be able to wear it daily and not feel silly doing it.   That is my goal.

Do any of my readers find that wearing something specific makes them feel like I described in the photo?  If so what?   I'd love it if you blogged about it and shared the link here, or of course if you don't have a blog, you can leave it in the comments. :)

Next Steps

I have not broadcast this widely, but I have shared this with a few family members, but that is it.   If you are finding out about it on my blog, are hurt by it, I apologize.  


Jason and I are separating for good.   This was not Jason's idea at all, it was mine.   This is the final separation and it will lead to divorce.   Please do not say I'm sorry to me or give me sympathy.    Yes, it is hard, but this is what I desire.  


Most people would say that going for what you desire is selfish.   I agree, it can be selfish.  It's not selfish if you listen to what Christ tells you and follow his guidance.  Not yours, but his.   


Yesterday, Friday, I found out that I need to make a decision about keeping the apartment past the end of August.  They wanted a decision right then and there.   I told them that I needed a week to make my final decision.  


I desire to leave Rochester.   I know deep down, 100% that I do not belong here.   But the question is when do I leave.  Bottom line is that I do not desire to be here.  Do I keep the apartment longer than August?    If I could leave right now, I would.  My money situation does not allow that.   I have to work at Mayo for at least a little longer, that could be one or two paychecks longer or it could be until the end of August longer.   At this point I am not sure.  


One option is to move up north.   The main pro would be being closer to family.  The con is that it does not feel right to me to move up north permanently.  It may be a temporary stopping spot, but not permanent.  Most people would say suck it up buttercup and do it anyway.  But I am not most people.  I am going for what my heart desires.


My desire is to just go somewhere completely new, out of state and start over.   For those of you who may come back and ask if that is a good idea in my “condition” or with my depression, etc.   I am the one who seen myself getting so bad, so down.  I am the one who sought help.  I am the one who checked myself into Generose.  Yes, I had support once I said that I was going downhill, but it was ultimately all me.   I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was.  I don’t see how being around family, etc. will help me.   I was not around my family down here in Rochester.  


I don't desire to work in a 8-5 job anymore.   I desire to do something creative in my life.  I feel that I am part of something bigger.  That I have more to do in my life than be an Administrative Assistance.  I don't know exactly what that is yet, it may be helping with the Grace community, it may be doing something creative, scrapbooking, crafting, photography, etc.   


Normally I would be scared shitless without a plan or a list.  I am at peace right now with my desire to leave Rochester, to scale back what I own, and put what I want to keep in storage.  


I realize that this seems very out of character for me, but I have kept many of my dreams and desires close to my heart because I never thought they were possible.   I feel led to start perusing them.   Despite the unknown.  I may succeed, I may fail.   But at least I tried.   But now I will not be held back.   


I found this on Pinterest....thought it summed up my thoughts really well.

Where I am at today.

I've had a blog post brewing in me about the song "Strong One" by Clint Black.

But tonight that's not what I'm going to blog about tonight. That one might hurt peoples feelings and I don't think I want to do that. I don't have it in me to fight tonight and tonight I'm not feeling like a "strong one."

Lately I've been struggling with headaches and migraines again. It sucks. I usually wake up with them. I've been trying not to complain and post, especially on Facebook, but really, who needs negative stuff on Facebook. Lately this has been my attitude about all the negative stuff I've been seeing on Facebook.

I've been removing people because of their negativity, and because right now, I don't need that in my life. I'm sorry, but right now that's one thing I can cut out and I will.

Anyway, back to the migraines. Last week I called in 4 days because of migraines/really bad headaches. It killed me to call in, I love my job, I really do. I don't know what else to do though when I get them. My meds kill me. Oh and the irony of missing work last week? I also missed my headache clinic appointment due to a migraine. Heh. Isn't that the irony of all ironies?

I love going to work and being there and doing my job. It's fun, I have a variety of tasks, I feel appreciated for all I do. Someday's are frustrating, but that is with any job. I don't feel as if I have too much on my plate. My plate is full so to speak, but not overfull.

Also, I've really been struggling with my depression. I've been sinking back down again, and it's been really to pull myself back up. I'm doing what I can, and I really need to pull back out some of my IOP resources. They are all in a bag and very accessible. I've been doing things that I enjoy, playing with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles, getting outside, reading, and doing a bit of shopping. I'm doing my best not to isolate myself and keeping my positive/healthy habits going. It's hard as hell, and I'm keeping my head above water, but it's hard.

Because of my depression coming back, my Effexor was increased from 150 mg to 225 mg. After that was upped, I got 2 awful migraines. (Noting that for my own records.)

There are a couple things that are concerning to me. First, when I'm down, I want to go out and shop and spend money in hopes that it will make me happy. I've done some shopping, and now nothing was put on credit cards and nothing was overdrawn, etc. But that money should have gone towards our debt. Is this why they thought about diagnosing me with bipolar?

The second thing that has been me on the brink of tears since about 3 p.m. today is that my supervisor talked to me and said that I am doing an amazing job, when I'm here, but with all my absences, they would like to bring in a Kelly Temp person at least through orientation (the month of June) to be a back up for me if I'm off unexpectedly and to help with checkouts if at all possible. She did get approval from Administration for this. It makes sense, but it hurts. I've been very open with my supervisor and my coworker Trish about my depression and my supervisor said that when I called in I sounded so sad that it hurt her to hear my messages. (She lost her daughter to suicide, so she knows depression all too well.) And that if there is anything they can do for me in the meantime at work to please let me know. They want me to get the migraines and depression figured out so I can be back to work full time, as they really enjoy me, and my "skills are impeccable" but I just need to be there more.

All of that brings me to this:

I've come up with a few different options. One that I think I really need is to go spend time alone somewhere. For a week or two. To figure things out. But would that be a mistake? Would it not be? I don't have the paid time off to do. I don't have the money to go anywhere. But I truly thing that is what I need. To remove myself from my current situation, and go somewhere alone. Just me. I feel as if I truly need this. It would be healthy for me. But would it be a mistake? I don't know. Do I have the courage to do this? Can I do this? Can I make this happen?

Computer Wallpaper

Last week I decided I was tired of my old wallpaper on my computer and wanted something inspiring on my new one. Of course I couldn't find anything I wanted. I've been struggling with my depression a bit again, nothing really bad, but whenever I get on my computer, I wanted a positive quote or something there. Since I could not find anything I made my own. Since I have not messed with Photoshop Elements in forever it took me eons to make. Yea it could be better, but I'm happy enough with it to share.

To Download:

Go to Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gamerbabe360/5747777784/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Click on "Download the Large size of this photo"

If you decide to use it, please post a comment here letting me know!

What would you like to have accomplished a year from now?

I read this on Yammer at work, and emailed it to myself thinking that it was appropriate for here as well.

What would you like to have accomplished a year from now? A year is a long time! If we desire some change to occur in our lives in the next year (promotion, debt-free, home purchase, etc.) we have to set some short-term goals. For some reason it is difficult to focus on a goal that is a year or more away. It is similar to looking at a painting from fifty yards away - you can see it, but not well enough to appreciate its beauty. When we can't see the goal clearly, we tend to get distracted by those things we can see clearly - the day-to-day problems and activities. So we need to create sub-goals that are easier to see and will continually move us towards our ultimate destination. Think through the steps that it will take to get you to that long-term goal and set your first goal close enough you can see it clearly and can anticipate the results. Working towards each short-term goal will bring us closer to that long-term goal we so desire. Remember the words of Karen Lamb, "A year from now you may wish you had started today."

I think that this is something that we all need to hear. It is common sense, but sometimes you need to hear common sense again. To push you in the right direction. I know I needed the push. Did you? I'm going to make at least one goal. Are you going to make your goals?

Emotions

*disclaimer, this blog entry is not to hurt anyones feelings, nor to cause harm to anyone, I am purely stating my feelings and emotions.*

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I haven't shared much online, but I bet a few of you have pieced together a few things if you Facebook stalk me, lol.

Long story short, Susan, my 18 year old sister came with Jason and I on our visit up north the first weekend of April. She wanted help with her depression, and seen that I got help and wanted to go the same place that I went. Makes sense, we were able to get her admitted on April 4. She stayed inpatient until April 13. I visited her close to every other day at least. Some days I visited her 2 or 3 times a day. It was a lot of running.

When I first went with her to go up and get her settled in, I couldn't believe that it was a little over a month ago that I was there. As a patient. It was so hard for me to be back there so soon. I honestly wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. It hurt me so bad that the staff thought I was a patient again. I felt like they had thought that I had failed and was back in myself. I know that it's very likely I may end up seeking treatment again and I'm ok with that, but at that point I was doing very good, taking good care of myself, and managing things well. I felt like a failure when I felt there that first night, despite staying there as long as Susan wanted me too.

I'm very thankful that during this I was working only half days. I don't know how I could have managed working full time during this. The half days were hard enough and balancing getting the things Susan needed and visiting her and still taking the time for myself. I felt like I should visit and be there for her no matter what, as I was the only family she had in town. I am so proud of her for seeking help.

Sitting with her in the ER that Sunday, trying to get her admitted into the impatient program was hard. I felt like I had been turned into a parent instantly. In fact the ER doctor thought I was her mom....I didn't think I looked old enough to be her mom!!! Thankfully all of the patients that were inpatient thought that we were sisters or twins. That made me feel so much better. But instantly I felt so much responsibility for her and that I had to support Susan, myself, Jason, and the entire family. I knew I could not do that. I was so afraid that I would hurt Ma's feelings when I was open and honest and assertive with her (those are some of my goals I'm still working on) when I had to text her in the car on the way down telling her that I could support her and Susan at the same time. I felt like I had let her down so much. I knew it would be a struggle for me to support myself and Susan. I had to remember to focus on me still since I was still struggling to get into the swing of things and work on being healthy.

During the time that Susan was staying with us, we set some some healthy routines and habits. I felt like I constantly had to check on her to make sure she was doing them. I hated that feeling. I felt like a nag and that it was something I shouldn't have to do. It annoyed me, but I tried to not let it show. I tried to do gentle reminders, but I don't think they came across that way sometimes. During this entire time period I felt like a mom, despite never having a child, and Susan showing great progress. She never yelled at me, despite telling me that she was very angry at me later.

I will admit that during this time I was not doing anything to focus on myself or my treatment to get better, other than going to therapy appointments. I meant I tried doing my diaphragmatic breathing, and trying other of my CBT skills, but that's about it. I did not stick to my routine at all. Oh, I did go to my therapy appointments, but it was so hard at first because my therapist was not in for the first part of April due to having surgery. She did not get in until April 14. That was rough. I didn't feel comfortable going to see another person there either. I kept most of my thoughts and feels (especially the negative ones) inside. I tried to share some with Jason, but he was stressed too, and I didn't want to burden him. That is what I felt. I know this was not the way I should have coped but it was what I did. I need to get back into my healthy ways of coping. It will do me good. This is what I NEED to do. Although like everything, it's easier said than done. I need to kick the depression out that has set back in.

Today, Susan went home. Ma, dad, and Julie came down yesterday for Easter and it worked out perfect for taking Susan home. I feel really guilty for pushing her a bit to go home 4 days early, but really, in 4 days, what difference would that have really made? I'm afraid that I pissed her off, and that she will hate me forever for siding with Ma about that.

I knew that today would be an emotion filled day for me. I didn't do my eye makeup today, despite Susan having taught me how to do it now. (Thank you Susan!) I decided to head into work and once Susan was all packed and Ma and Dad were on their way from the hotel, that I would come on home for an hour and take my lunch break then, since I had a feeling they would leave soon after. I started by giving Susan and Dad hugs. I told Susan that she can do the the same things that she has been doing at home here. I know she can continue to make progress and that I love her. Gave dad a hug, and he told me thanks for everything. Gave Julie a hug and told her that I love her. Then I gave Ma a hug, and that's when I started to cry. I told her to take care of Susan. I'm crying now just thinking about the good byes. I mean, who tells their own MOTHER how to their care of their own DAUGHTER. It's kinda ridiculous isn't it? Ma, if I offended you by telling you that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you if I did.

I was so distracted all day at work. Even now at home. I've been Facebook Stalking my families profiles to see what all they post. I've been tempted to write Ma "directions" on how I've handled a few things with Susan, and her routine. I know, I feel like an overprotective mother. I just want to see Susan to continue to make progress. I know she will. She has it in her.

The house is so lonely without her. I have no funny stories from the day. No funny comments, or anything. It was especially hard tonight since Jason naps Monday nights. It's going to be a hard adjustment without her here. Susan, I miss you so much and I love you.

Now I gotta go, since I'm starting to soak my shirt with tears, and that is not a good thing.

I'm hoping to post a few fun pictures tomorrow from Susan's stay here. :)

Being Honest.

(Click on image to make it larger)

Since I'm supposed to be honest, I'm going to make a blog entry today about what I'm feeling.

Today I feel like a failure, and I've been kinda down all day, even though I really don't have a reason to be. I slept good last night and everything.

Work started out great. Got a couple meetings scheduled that were the meetings from hell. The physician's schedules would never coordinate, one admininistrative assistant wouldn't give up any time at all on her physician's calendar, even though he volunteered for this project, knowing that it would be a very tight deadline, etc. It felt good to get those scheduled. I've just kinda felt melancholy.

I had an appointment today in Endo. My primary care doc. Referred me there since they could do my pap smear, and give me more options than just a birth control pill to force me to have a period, since I haven't had one for about 1 1/2 to 2 years.

The appointment went nothing like I though. First of all, I wasn't assertive at all, like I should have been. I just went along with whatever. I was also irked from the get go when my report time was 2:30 (I was there at that point, so was Jason), and my appointment time was 2:45, and I didn't get to see anyone until 3:15. Keep in mind that there was absolutely no one else in the waiting room, we need no other patients, etc.

At 3:15 two residents/fellows come in and introduce themselves. I'm irked right away since they look so young, and I've already waited for 45 minutes and I haven't seen the doctor I made my appointment for yet.

They start out with, well we think you have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.) Umm...yea, I was diagnosed with that back in 2004....they say that they couldn't find anything about that in my file, it's there.....I had to help them find it. How does that work? I'm irked even more. They go on and on about tests and such. Eventually the doc comes in and I walk out with my head spinning. I don't even know what's going on to tell you the truth. I'm so lost and feel so stupid that I can't even comprehend everything. The appointment went nothing like I thought it would. I don't know what I was expecting, but nothing like this. It's hard to explain.

Within the next week I have teh following appointments set up in regards of this appointment.

• Ultrasound--to confirm that I have PCOS. Apparently you need this now to confirm that you have it.
• Blood Tests--You need blood tests too to confirm that you have it.
• 3 hour glucose test--because they are concerned that I may eventually have diabetes. Just becuase of my weight. While I get that, my glucose, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels were monitored closely while I was in Generose. They were all normal. Do I really need this?
• Dietitian Consult--I know I could benefit from this. But right now? I just don't know.
• Exercise test--I had no idea I had to have this done. Why?
• Follow-Up Appointment--to go over the results of everything

I am just stressing over everything about this appointment. Is it really needed now? Do I need to do it all? I mean it's just insane to me. Do I need it or do they just want my money? It's stressing me out just thinking of all of these appointments and all that I'm going to be missing work for these. Plus my Thursday therapy appointments. I feel like my plate is full and this would over fill it for me, and that would not be a good thing. I'm seriously tempted to call and cancel all of the appointments.

Just from this appointment I have 2 hours of time to make up from work, or I have to take 2 hours of PTO, which I'm not sure I have. Or 2 hours of no pay. Grrrrr. That is stressing me out too.

I'm worried that I'm trying to give Susan too much too soon. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed. But I do want to try to teach her some responsibility while she is here. I love having Susan here. I can't wait until Jason and I someday move back up north to be close to family to be close to everyone all the time. That will be amazing. I don't know if I"m doing the right things with Susan or not. I'm worried I'm not doing the right things and I'm second and third, and fourth, etc. guessing myself all the times.

I've been trying to take better care of myself lately, but I've been failing at that too. I'm just doing what needs to be done. One thing I've defined that I need is 30-60 minutes of alone time each day. I haven't been getting that. I don't know how to get that, especially since I'm back full time, but I need me time so damn bad. I feel so guilty leaving Susan and Jason for the day while I get some me time in. Since Thursday, I think I've got 2-30 minute sessions in. That's just not enough for me. I don't know how to make myself a proirity. I feel like I need to take care of everyone around me.

Tonight I wasn't even thinking and didn't realize that I needed to wash clothes so Jason would have clean uniforms for work tonight. I should have known that. But did I think about it, of course not.

Lately I've been picking up more negativity around me, at home, at work, at stores, all over. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like it is seeping into me, and I can't get it out.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed tonight, and I was hoping that tonight writing it all out would help me, but it didn't.

Oh, and yes, I have been doing my relaxation breathing, and some of my CBT skills. They help to a certain extent.

I just don't know what else to do right now. I just hate feeling this way.

Stress

It feels like it has been forever since I have posted. I feel like I have written a zillion posts in my head, but nothing ever got written down over here where people actually read it.

I've been realizing lately that I've been putting a lot of pressure and stress on myself. How smart is that? Stressing yourself out? Not too smart, if I can say so.

I've found that my massive huge, long lists stress me out. I can still be a list lover, but I just have to not make them so long, and prioritize what I have on them.

I stress myself out by being around people who think negatively, because that makes me think negatively. Now, I'm not saying everyone has to be positive all the time, that is just not realistic. But I've noticed that some people are much more negative than others. In my online life, I've been removing them from Facebook, Twitter, etc. For me, it's a good choice.

I stress myself out by feeling like I have to accomplish EVERYTHING in a day. I don't give myself credit for what I have done, but focus on the failure. As Dr. Phil (I think it's him that says this) would say, "How's that working for you." Not very well, honestly. I've been working very hard to focus on the positive and leave the negative by the wayside.

I could go on and on about how I cause myself stress. I am learning to recognize what causes me to stress out and how to prevent it. For me, that is huge.

I have also learned that I have to remember to take care of ME. It's so hard to do, but it's so important. Starting today I'm going to take at least 30 minutes of alone time daily to just decompress and focus on myself. I don't know what all I will do during it, but I just know what I need it.

I also know that I need to get back to doing some of my CBT based stuff. Like Thought Records for instance. Those seriously helped me. I also need to continue with my exercise and eating healthy that seriously makes a word of difference. I can't forget my leisure time either. That is different than my alone time. I think I'm going to start using my leisure time to focus on creative projects. I miss doing those all the time.

I've learned so much over the last month and I know what skills/tasks I should be focusing on and doing, but at the same time it seems like so much work. I need my IOP friends back here with me. They would keep me on track. :)

Rainbow Cupcakes

I made for my friend Angie's birthday. Can you tell that I have a thing for Polaroid frames?

Major Decision

First, I have to say that I saved this from the PostSecret website back in 2009 sometime. The thing about PostSecret secrets is that there really isn't an archive of them. I tend to save the ones that mean something to me. I was just looking around on my computer for a file I created quite a while ago and stumbled across this.

This fits me well. Though not necessarily the word "compromised." I have thought about others during every major decision in my life. I have put myself last while making them. Now how is that fair to me? It's not. From now on. I'm doing the unthinkable to me. I'm putting myself first. I'm worth it.

If anyone out there reading my blog is like me, and putting everyone else first in their life and yourself last, I'm going to be blunt here, that is part of what landed me in the psych ward. Now I'm not saying go out and be selfish in every decision you make. But remember to take time for you. Think about yourself some more. Make time for yourself and the stuff you want to do. If there is a major decision in your life, don't put other's opinions first. Put yourself first. You are worth it.

Home

In my last post I kinda explained what let up to the psych ward experience, but didn't really get a chance to explain much of it.

First, I met a couple of good cohorts there, Angie and Kurt Angie actually lives close to Rochester but Kurt lives in Michigan. It was great to meet them though. We all have been in contact with one another already. I think it helps being able to get support from people who have been there, especially the same time that you were. Don't get me wrong, I will still utilize my support system here at home. But man, we had a blast talking, laughing, and Angie and I both cried at different points during our stay. It was great being there for each other. I have a feeling that we will be life long friends.

The classes were hit and miss. Some of them I got a lot out of, other ones I walked out of more confused than I walked in. I can usually comprehend and information pretty well, but a couple of the classes I didn't That was very frustrating for me. I think that I got a lot out of the Cogitative Behavioral Therapy classes. I kinda want to do a brief post explaining what I learned because it made sense to me. I also learned a ton in Occupational Therapy. That was one of my favorites. Though my all time favorite classes was Recreation Therapy. Does that surprise anyone? I started a wood burning project! I have never done wood burning before, but it has always interested me. I didn't get finish the project, but I ordered a wood burning gun from Joann's online since they don't carry them in store. I actually got it for a really good deal too! I can't wait for it to get it. It's just amazing to me what all you can create with wood burning and the oil pencils. I'm getting 8 of those with my set, but I think I'm going to want more. I picked up a new hobby in there Yay!

I also wrote down quite a few quotes that I enjoyed throughout my time there. I think I'm going to have to post those on there as I think a few of you enjoy questions as well. I also got a bunch of movie recommendations as well as a bunch of book recommendations. Maybe that would be a good place to go on Friday.

I start my Intensive Outpatient Program on Monday. I go there 3 days a week from 8 a.m. to noon for 3 weeks. I also have appointments in the next 3 weeks as well. It's nice having them all set up in advanced though. That makes me feel relieved, which is a very good thing.

Yesterday, I was very emotional though. I think it's because I tried to over do it and do a "normal" day from before. Despite my Occupational therapist telling me not to over do it but don't under do it either. Today I'm doing much better. I've been productive, I worked on my knifty knitter, and I blogged so far! I'm planning on doing something on the treadmill too. My goal right now, is to just do 10 minutes 3 times a week. I know it's not much, but just to ease myself back into it, and besides doing that is better than nothing. If I want to do more, then that's fine, if not, that's fine too.

Does anyone have any questions about when I was in the Psych Ward? I'm more than willing to answer them to the best of my ability.

I am in a psych ward.

For those that know me well, know that I have struggled with depression since my teen years. I attempted suicide in 2001 and landed myself in a psych ward for 5 days. I told them everything they wanted to hear to get me out. I did not want to be there at all. When I got out, I went to see a counselor is our local town, I don't even remember what his name was, but he told me that I had, "Severe Chronic Depression and that there was nothing he could do to help me and that I had to learn how to say no." After that I kind of swore off therapists.



My depression has been coming back full force lately. I seen my primary care doctor about a year and a half ago and got put on Celexa for my depression. Then I went back a few months ago since I felt the Celexa wasn't working well and they suggested that I up the dosage. Looking back now, that is when I started to get migraines on a more regular basis. Not a good thing at all. Not feeling good and missing so much work worsened my depression. I started feeling so hopeless and if I didn't get help, then I would be back where I was in 2001 and I know I didn't want to be there.



My first step was telling Jason. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be as he has always been so supportive of me.



The next morning I called my Diamond Nurse (depression nurse) and said that I needed help. And felt that I needed more help than just a med adjustment. She talked to my primary care doc and called me back almost immediately. They both suggested that I go to the ER to see if I could get admitted to an inpatient program. They could call ahead and let the ER know that I was coming, but that was all they could do to make sure that the transition went easy. I showered (for the first time in 4 or 5 days) and packed some clothes, books, and toiletries and off to the ER we went.

Jason and I first went back to a little room that felt like it was closing in on me the longer I was in it, I didn't think that I had anxiety or claustrophobia...but I didn't know how long I could manage in it. Thankfully I was soon wheeled up to the Generose in the Mood Disorders Unit.

It was a really different experience than when I was up in Miller Dwan back in 2001. That felt almost like a jail. It was awful. This one there wasn't the loud clank of a door when you were admitted. It was a really warm and inviting environment, surprisingly. The first day and a half was hard. I sat by myself, and then started to socialize more. I'm going to miss some of the people that I have met here.

I've gotten some good information out of the classes, but not all of them. Some of them are a joke. But for the classes that I didn't get much out, that's ok.

Someday's I get really overwhelmed by all of the paperwork/forms that I have to fill out and all of the reading I have to do. It's nice that I know I can just set it aside and return to it in a little while. I know that I a lot that I have to work on, but that is good.

I know that this is where I needed to be. And rather than be in Miller Dwan, here I have been open, honest, and speaking up in classes. I didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get out.

My release date sounds like it is Tuesday. Today I feel like I can handle that. I know that I have wonderful supportive network of people around me. For that I am so very thankful. I don't know what I would do without them, especially Jason.

This was really hard to admit that I needed to be in a psych ward, but I knew it was where I needed to be. This was a really good decision for me.

After getting out of the psych ward, I already have a therapist appointment set up, and I'm going to be attending an Intensive Outpatient Program for Cognitative Behavior Therapy.

It's almost bedtime here, but I'm glad I got to post it. :) I just wanted to let everyone know kind of what was going on.

February Recipe Share

Yes, this is up before the end of February. Can you believe it?!?! I feel like I've been so behind on everything, so it feels good to be ahead of everything.

One thing I should share briefly, is that I have started to eat Gluten free. Which means to wheat, barely, oats, etc. It is a huge adjustment, but I started it to see if it helps my migraines and so far it seems to be helping. I feel like I have so much more energy and feel so much better. Anyway, since I started Gluten Free it's kinda like a whole new way of cooking. I mean not really, but I can't bake and such like I used too. I'm trying new things. So I'm not sure how many of you will try these, but seriously, I have enjoyed eating Gluten Free. It's been a good change for me.

Now, once again I've been awful about pictures. I really gotta get back into taking them. Maybe next month. So once again I apologize.

First up:

Alison's Gluten Free Bread

This was my very first loaf of Gluten Free bread. I'll be honest, I was scared to try it. I heard that Gluten Free Bread was not very tasty and would be nothing like normal bread. I almost didn't try it. I'm glad I decided too. First, I have to say that I was freaked out about the texture of it, it was more like really grainy brownie batter than any bread dough. I did add a bit more flour than the recipe showed, to see if I could get it to look a bit more like normal bread but I didn't. I was shocked at how much it rose!! I mixed it up in the bread machine and then baked it in the oven.

Verdict: I will totally be making it again!!!! It was a little bit crumbly, but very good. It was sweeter than normal bread, but I was fine with that. I also heard that GF bread should be stored in the fridge to last longer, and that also helps with the cutting/crumbling of the bread so I stored it in there. It feels great to know I can have bread again. :) Though in the future, I'm going to cut this recipe in half. I don't need a ton of bread. Now I'm not scared of trying to make GF bread.

Second recipe I tried:

Quinoa and Black Bean Casserole from UBake

1 cup dry quinoa

1 cup salsa

2 eggs

1 cup shredded low-fat cheddar cheese

2 cups shredded sweet potato

3 cups black beans (or 2 cans, drained and rinsed) NOTE: I used the cans

1 T ground cumin

liberal pinches of salt and pepper

Cook quinoa according to package directions. I googled how to cook quinoa in a rice cooker and cooked it that way.

Preheat oven to 350.

Mix quinoa, black beans, sweet potato, half the cheese, and the cumin, salt, and pepper in a large bowl. In a small bowl mix the eggs and the salsa, then pour over the vegetables. Pour all ingredients into a 9x9 casserole dish coated with nonstick cooking spray.

Sprinkle on remaining cheese and bake for 30 minutes, uncovered.

Can serve on a bed of spinach if you would like.

Makes about 8 servings.

Now, first off, I've always wanted to try quinoa, mainly because it sounds so exotic and it's fun to say. Yup, I'm odd, but hey, at least it got me to try a different food! Now I have to say that I did not like the smell of the quinoa cooking. It kinda grossed me out, I couldn't place the smell, but I just didn't like it. It was not pleasant. I still went ahead with the recipe though. It was very easy to put together despite all the ingredients.

Verdict: I topped mine with a bit of sour cream after trying the first bite. I thought it tasted like it was missing something, but couldn't place it. I couldn't taste the sweet potatoes and it tasted very Mexican-ey. I enjoyed it. The downside is that when it was re-heated it didn't taste as good. I didn't really care for it. It's hard to explain. I don't think I would make this again. Though I'll look for another recipe to try quinoa again.

And of course I saved the best recipe for last!!!

Traditional Gluten Free Pizza Crust

Tonight I was craving pizza. I did some searching last night for a crust recipe and with the help of a group on Facebook found this one. Now keep in mind I have been making homemade pizza crust for years. I have never perfected the recipe, but I have made decent crust. After the bread, I was a bit concerned about the consistency, but wanted to try it. No issues at all. Was very similar in consistency to my normal crust from scratch.

Verdict: OH. MY. GOODNESS. I think I have found THE pizza crust recipe. Even if I go back to eating wheat, and this crust tastes good reheated, I'm sticking with this recipe. It was a thinner crust, with just enough flavor. I loved the texture and the taste of it. It kinda reminded me of a Pi Pizza crust, but with Italian Seasoning in the crust. I can't wait to re-heat this and see how it tastes. :) I also think it might make good croutons or flavored breadcrumbs to use in other dishes.

Painting

Long story short, I'm moving back in with Jason. One thing with the house is that we never made it "ours." The house was Jason's grandparents and when we re-did the living room, I felt that I got a lot of flack from Jason's dad for changing it and painting it bright red. I love it though, but that stopped me from continuing to upgrade the house. It's been a huge challenge for me. I haven't felt like the house is "home" if that makes sense.

Tonight Jason and I went to Menard's to look a paint colors. We ended up buying some since they were on sale, plus we got 2 rebates, which means that we ended up getting 3 gallons free.

So the colors are a little off in my samples here, but you can get the general gist. Feel free to look up the colors online if you want! I could find linkable samples.

I can't wait to start painting!!!!!

January Recipe Share

One of my goals is to try 3 new recipes a month for a year. I succeed in that for January. Of course I forgot to take pictures of the goods, but I did find all of these online.

First up:

New York Cheesecake from Mr. Food I made this for Christmas (we celebrate it on New Years Day) with the in-laws with a homemade chocolate sauce. I have made cheesecake before, but not this style. Now I have to admit that I did not follow this recipe exactly. If you know me, you know that I won't buy pre-packaged cookie dough. Instead I made sugar cookie dough from scratch and used it as the crust. I really missed the graham cracker crust. I was not fond of the sugar cookie one at all. Everyone but me loved the filling. I thought it was missing something, but couldn't place my finger on it.

Verdict: I would try this recipe again, but I would do the traditional graham cracker crust. If at that time I still feel like something is missing from the filling, then I won't make it again. Oh, and it did turn out just like the picture!

Second Recipe:

HOT FUDGE CHOCOLATE SAUCE

3 T. Cocoa
1/4 c. Butter
2 c. Powdered sugar
3/4 c. Evaporated Milk

In a 2 qt. saucepan melt the butter with the cocoa until smooth.
Add the milk & sugar slowly until all lumps are gone.
Bring to a boil & continue boiling until thickness you desire.
Put on ice cream or cheesecake, or simply eat with a spoon. (Not that I have ever done that....)

Verdict: OMG. I have made this one TWICE. OH SO GOOD! It stores perfectly in a pint size glass jar in the fridge. Growing up Ma made something similar, and I didn't have her recipe, but I called her and this is very similar if not exact to it. It is heavenly. I think that this recipe is from All Recipes. I didn't save the link from it....I copy and pasted it into a word document....but it is AMAZING.

Third Recipe:

Lemon Poppyseed Bread from Joy of Baking Now this one I once again realized I forgot part of it. I forgot to make the topping that goes on it. I have a love for Lemon Poppyseed muffins and breads. I just love that combination.

Verdict: I wasn't that impressed with this recipe. I thought that the bread was try and that there wasn't enough of a lemon flavor. I don't think that I will make this recipe again. Though if you try it and make it with the topping, let me know what you think! I could be persuaded to try this again, because it totally could have been my error and the topping could make that much of a difference.

I'll post this again monthly and I think that the recipes will vary more than just baking. I'm planning on trying a couple gluten free recipes, and Andrew wanted me to post a couple vegetarian ones. I think I'm going to accept his challenge, since I didn't finish the 7 day challenge. Oops.

Challenge Day 4: Photo!

Today's challenge is "Share a photo I took this week and tell you about it."

Yea, this is so not one of my best photos that I have ever taken! But it's a photo I took tonight and the lighting sucked!

Anyway, here is the photo!

Don't mind the reflection of the ceiling fan....

I've been meaning to share more pictures of the apartment. This is part of the wall in the dining room. The picture on the left, the egg beaters, I bought off of etsy. It's a screen print and I just love it. The picture on the right is a housewife picture that I commissioned Lee to do. I've had it since either '09, but never got around to hanging it up. Now I just need a third picture to hang on the other side of the egg beaters. The frames are just IKEA ones that I painted with acrylic paint. I love the colors of them. I really wish I could have a color other than white on the walls, but I shall deal with it!

Challenge Day 3: Organizing!

The challenge question for day 3 is "Write a blog post on the same topic as one my most popular posts." According to my blog stats, my most viewed post is "Light Bulb Moment" which is a post about organizing scrapbook or other craft projects.

Today I am going to share show I organize a couple of items.

First up is Ribbon. I'm the first to admit that I have a ribbon problem. I absolutely love ribbon and lace. For the longest time I had ribbon stored in candy type jars. In fact, these exact jars form IKEA. I have to admit that it looked gorgeous, but it wasn't very practical to use. Here is now I store my ribbon currently.

It is just a craft organizer, and I wrapped my ribbon around embroidery floss cards. The thicker lace and ribbon I can fold and put on the side like the lace. I don't typically use much thicker ribbon so it works for me. I'm also not going to tell you how many containers of ribbon like this that I have. Once I am done organizing my craft room and find all my ribbon and get it wound, I'm going to organize this by color, using the main color of the ribbon as a guide.

The next item that I'm going to touch on organizing is photographs. I used to be really good at remembering when I took a picture and find it easily. As I'm getting older, I'm no good at all. Or for instance if I want to find pictures with the Bellywings in them, and don't care from when they are from, I would have to sort through each month, and then each day to find them. It annoyed me to no end. This is how my picture files used to look:

Very clean and simple right? Well, I couldn't find a thing in there.

In 2010 I started to organize them a bit better. I still wanted them to be found my date, as I'm a bit anal that way, but I started to rename the folders to what pictures were inside.

Now I can easily find all of the pictures with Cullen or the Bellywings in them.

You may have a different photo organization method than I do, and hopefully that is working well for you. I just wanted to share what works well for me.

Remember, you can click on any of the images to make them larger.

Challenge Day 2: Answer one question I think people visiting my blog may have.

Edited: I thought that it would be a good idea to edit in short answers to these questions for those of you that haven't followed my blog from the beginning. And I'm too lazy to go and search for all of these answers.

This is a hard challenge for me, for some reason. I guess that's why it's called a challenge, huh? I have thought of many possible questions...

Why do you call your "The Wannabe Domestic Diva?"

Because I would love to me a stay at home mom/wife someday. Taking care of the house, baking everything homemade, etc. I'm not a Domestic Diva yet, but I'm a wannabe.

Why do you use your real name as your URL?

Because I knew that I would never stay with the same title of my blog, and my using my name, I could change the title of my blog as it suited me. Though the draw back is that I'm not anonymous.

What is the true point of your blog?

There is none! It's about everything and anything I want too. A little bit of normal, a little bit of crazy.

Why don't you have children?

Let's just say that it's not from lack of trying. The short answer is that I have PCOS, which makes it difficult to conceive. Long answer I'm not comfortable blogging about at the moment. Perhaps one day.

Why don't you have a focus on your blog?

Because if I did, I think I would get bored. I like not having limits to what I can post about on my blog. If it just were scrapbooking, I couldn't post funny stories about my sisters, or my money problems.

What are your hobbies?

Scrapbooking, reading, photography, baking, crafting in general, dorking around online.

Why do you go for such long periods without posting?

Life has it's ups and downs. Sometimes when life gets busy, my blog gets neglected.

I've decided I'm going to not answer any of those as I have answered them somewhat in previous posts. The true question that I think everyone is wondering is...

What did you have for breakfast today?

You might think I am a mind reader right? Ya'll were really wondering that right? Well I am going to put your mind at ease today.

I had a bowl of frosted mini-wheats for breakfast.

Now ya'll can sleep tonight knowing what I had for breakfast.

Challenge Day 1: What the purpose of my website is, who I am, and why my blog is unique.

When I started blogging, it was back in 2005, I wasn't sure what I would write about, but thought it would be fun to hop on the blogging bandwagon. My blog is a personal one, and about a wide variety of topics. The purpose of my blog is to share a bit about me. Almost like a diary of sorts, my personal thoughts, struggles, at least what I choose to share. I like it’s almost like a short record of my life. I also share recipes, my hobbies, and my opinions about topics. For a while it was a place to share my year in pictures. That was fun, blogging nearly every day. My blog is unique because no two people have the same thoughts, opinions, hobbies. I’m trying to make my blog reflect the true me, as I discover who I really am, what is really important to me.

I’m 28, currently living in an apartment, separated from my husband. We are going through counseling and trying to work through things. I’m a Christian. I work full-time as an Administrative Assistant and love the area that I am currently working in. My hobbies include baking, scrapbooking, crafting in general, reading, and photography. I love anything vintage or vintage inspired. I’m a daughter, and older sister. My sisters are 16 and 18, they make me feel so old sometimes. I love music, especially anything country. I love to clean and scrapbook with the music cranked. I’d love to travel abroad someday. I’m currently working to be debt free. I also need to work on getting healthy again. I also suffer from depression, and am working to get that under control. Expect some blog posts on those topics sooner or later. I love watching history type shows on tv, and don’t follow politics, though I know I should pay more attention. I try to catch the news and weather daily. I used to be a news junkie, but it seems like everything is negative, and I need to surround myself with positive things, so I don’t watch or read it near as much as I used too. I love naps, clouds, and owls. I’m a very random person, and often when telling a story go off on a tangent. As Ma says, “It’s the Nelson version of the story.” Nelson is my maiden name. That is me in a nutshell.

The Seven Day Blogging Challenge

Andrew, my Twitter friend is doing a Seven Day Blogging Challenge. He challenged a few people, including me, to do the challenge. I have accepted this challenge and look forward to doing it. Here are the 7 topics that Andrew has challenged us to write about.

Starting Saturday I will write one blog post a day, each with 300 to 400 words about:

1. What the purpose of my website is, who I am and why my blog is unique.
2. Answer one question I think people visiting my blog may have.
3. Write a blog post on the same topic as one my most popular posts.
4. Share a photo I took this week and tell you about it.
5. Embed a legal youtube clip that I either found today or created myself. Then tell everyone about the clip and related information.
6. Create a blog post on a subject I’ve never blogged about here before.
7. Share hints or details of what I intend to write about in the future.

The challenge for me, I think is going to be in the 300-400 word count. The other challenge I think is going to write a blog post about a topic I have never posted here. I look forward to doing this challenge. If you are reading this and want to do this challenge too, join us! Feel free to post a comment on Andrew's blog so he knows you are participating! I'm going to love this challenge!

Money, Money, Money

In my last post I mentioned a couple ideas I had in my head brewing to blog about. I think it's time to get them down. This one is going to be about money. Yup, money. I'm not fond of money. I wish that I could never have to worry about it again. But sadly that is not reality.

I started back full time back in September. I get paid very well for my job, but I have been living paycheck to paycheck still. I HATE IT. I'm fed up with it and need to do something about it. I've been watching a show called "Till Debt Do Us Part" on CNBC, or some channel like that. Anyway it's about couples getting out of debt, etc. It really inspired me.

At first I was a bit hesisant to blog about this, but then I realized, pffft. What do I care? So here it goes.

I'm in debt. Again. At one point in our marriage Jason and I had paid off all of our credit cards and swore to not use them again. I didn't follow that plan. Now I'm in debt. As Dave Ramsey would say, I have a Ph.D in D-U-M-B. So here I am, at age 28, still in debt. No where near I want to be financially. I decided that it's time to be smart about money again and stop acting like a kid and buying what I want when I want.

I have created a budget that I need to stick too. I've refined it a couple of times now, and it's getting better each time. I still need to do some adjusting for gift categories, and car repairs, etc. This month I forgot to budget for my tabs. That was $67.25 that I did not have set aside. Instead I raided my grocery and transportation money, and didn't put anything into my entertainment fund. But I'm learning and it is manageable. I can do this.

I've started using the envelope system again, with money in each envelope for each category. Entertainment, Groceries/Personal Care, Transportation, etc. It's working well, except that I hate fumbling with the damn envelopes. Once I get around to it, I'm going to make cute little pouches and keep all my money for the expenses in there. Maybe a cute fabric with cars on for Transportation, a fabric with food on for Groceries, etc. Then when the money is gone from that category, I can't buy anything. I've learned that I am much more careful when spending cash, rather than whipping out my debit card.

I've started to re-read the "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey again. Last night I downloaded a couple of his podcasts to listen to while I was making dinner and balancing the checkbook.

I feel like I am finally going in the right direction and have to stick with this. I know that I can do this. I want to do this.

People around me may not understand why I won't have money to go out to dinner, do retreats, and such. But I'm ok with that. I will try to save some money and put it aside for retreats, as long as I know far enough in advance to plan for it. I'm ok with living on a budget and being tight with my money right now. In the long run it will be worth it. Like Dave Ramsey says, "If you live like no one else now, later you can live like no one else." Another of my Dave Ramsey quotes is, "Normal is broke. Be weird."

I also found a forum that is based around Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps. I think this will help me out. I joined it ages ago and just stumbled upon it again. :) http://www.livinglikenooneelse.com/forum/

I do need to go through my budget again and see what I can cut and where. I really want to be out of debt.

I may post updates about this, or I might not, lol. I'm not sure. I mean it's part of me, but I've always been careful about not oversharing. This is a fine line, even for me. Maybe I will just do it on the forum. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.

Ramblings

It's been a while since I've blogged. As you can tell I started to update my blog. I thought that it would be a nice change for a clean and simple template. I haven't had the time to adjust the banner yet, but I think I will. I'm debating about changing the title of it too, but I'm not positive. I can't wait to make this feel all "at home" again. :) Sorry I've been slow about it!

I'm in the mood to ramble today, so I apologize in advance if this is a rambly post. I'm sitting at my desk at work. I love being by the windows. They are just gorgeous. Today we have some crows that keep flying by the window. The sun isn't out in full force, it was flurrying this morning. But the sun is trying to peek out. I can't tell you how much of a difference being by the windows makes. I can tell that the days are getting longer again. It's not completely dark yet when I leave work at 5 p.m.

One thing has changed since I've last posted. I turned 28 on January 24. I can't believe that I'm almost 30. It's crazy. Where has time gone?!?! My birthday was good. Jason and I spent it hanging out at the house together, we watched a couple of movies too. Jason took me out to Outback for dinner. Steak and Shrimp, YUM! And I just love their salad. It's the best with Blue Cheese dressing. So yummy. I enjoyed the last of my meal at lunch yesterday. I love having leftovers.

This month I have been reading books like mad for some reason. I have my list over at Listology, which I need to add to again. I've finished 2 more books since I last updated it. If I forgot to add the link, let me know. I'm typing this in Word right now, and I have a feeling I will forget the link. Books are like a comfort for me. I love having them around me. They are like friends to me. An escape from reality as well. I can so easily just get lost in a book. I love the escape it provides me. Though sometimes when I finish a good book, I feel like I have lost a friend and I'm a bit sad. Though I know I can always go back and re-read the book. Some authors I wish they would make a series out of books. I just get so involved in their lives.

Guess what else I did last Saturday? I went cropping for the first time in MONTHS! I had a blast! I am still working on my Cathy Zielske class Me: The Abridged Version. I got the base down for 32 8.5x11 pages. Now all I have to do is finish up all my journaling, and add embellishments and pictures. I loved the format of the pages. Clean and simple. Though I will be adding some embellishments. I also LOVED the line of paper I used. It's from "Crate Paper" and is called "Restoration." It is so ME. I bought way more than I need for my book, so I can't wait to scrap something else with it! It felt really good to get out and scrapbook with Mama Jenny and Mary. It was much needed. I still need to finish organizing my room.

I have a couple more updates, but I think I'm going to do them as separate entries. Do you have any topics that you would like me to blog about? If so, just let me know!

2011

Welcome 2011!

The beginning of a new year brings lots of hope and promise for me. I always like the start of a new year. There is just something about it that makes it feel like a fresh start. You can leave everything behind and learn from the last year.

Each year I usually choose a word or phase, a la Ali Edwards, "One Word." This year I didn't pour over her old blog entries about it. I didn't read through lists and lists of words. In fact I haven't read her blog in a while now, so I don't even know if she is doing it this year. The last couple of years I have chose a word and then didn't really focus on it. I might do that this year as well, who knows what the year will hold. But one word has been nagging at me. "Embrace." I realize that sounds like an odd word for anyone to choose. But I want to Embrace life. Embrace experiences. Embrace everything that happens. Embrace the every day things.

Aside from that I don't think I'm going to make any resolutions per say. I want to work on crossing somethings off of my Bucket List. You can find my Bucket List on Listology. The highlighted items are the ones that I have accomplished. Though I"m wondering if I should change them to a strike through. I will have to check that out. :)