Monday, April 25, 2011


*disclaimer, this blog entry is not to hurt anyones feelings, nor to cause harm to anyone, I am purely stating my feelings and emotions.*

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I haven't shared much online, but I bet a few of you have pieced together a few things if you Facebook stalk me, lol.

Long story short, Susan, my 18 year old sister came with Jason and I on our visit up north the first weekend of April. She wanted help with her depression, and seen that I got help and wanted to go the same place that I went. Makes sense, we were able to get her admitted on April 4. She stayed inpatient until April 13. I visited her close to every other day at least. Some days I visited her 2 or 3 times a day. It was a lot of running.

When I first went with her to go up and get her settled in, I couldn't believe that it was a little over a month ago that I was there. As a patient. It was so hard for me to be back there so soon. I honestly wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. It hurt me so bad that the staff thought I was a patient again. I felt like they had thought that I had failed and was back in myself. I know that it's very likely I may end up seeking treatment again and I'm ok with that, but at that point I was doing very good, taking good care of myself, and managing things well. I felt like a failure when I felt there that first night, despite staying there as long as Susan wanted me too.

I'm very thankful that during this I was working only half days. I don't know how I could have managed working full time during this. The half days were hard enough and balancing getting the things Susan needed and visiting her and still taking the time for myself. I felt like I should visit and be there for her no matter what, as I was the only family she had in town. I am so proud of her for seeking help.

Sitting with her in the ER that Sunday, trying to get her admitted into the impatient program was hard. I felt like I had been turned into a parent instantly. In fact the ER doctor thought I was her mom....I didn't think I looked old enough to be her mom!!! Thankfully all of the patients that were inpatient thought that we were sisters or twins. That made me feel so much better. But instantly I felt so much responsibility for her and that I had to support Susan, myself, Jason, and the entire family. I knew I could not do that. I was so afraid that I would hurt Ma's feelings when I was open and honest and assertive with her (those are some of my goals I'm still working on) when I had to text her in the car on the way down telling her that I could support her and Susan at the same time. I felt like I had let her down so much. I knew it would be a struggle for me to support myself and Susan. I had to remember to focus on me still since I was still struggling to get into the swing of things and work on being healthy.

During the time that Susan was staying with us, we set some some healthy routines and habits. I felt like I constantly had to check on her to make sure she was doing them. I hated that feeling. I felt like a nag and that it was something I shouldn't have to do. It annoyed me, but I tried to not let it show. I tried to do gentle reminders, but I don't think they came across that way sometimes. During this entire time period I felt like a mom, despite never having a child, and Susan showing great progress. She never yelled at me, despite telling me that she was very angry at me later.

I will admit that during this time I was not doing anything to focus on myself or my treatment to get better, other than going to therapy appointments. I meant I tried doing my diaphragmatic breathing, and trying other of my CBT skills, but that's about it. I did not stick to my routine at all. Oh, I did go to my therapy appointments, but it was so hard at first because my therapist was not in for the first part of April due to having surgery. She did not get in until April 14. That was rough. I didn't feel comfortable going to see another person there either. I kept most of my thoughts and feels (especially the negative ones) inside. I tried to share some with Jason, but he was stressed too, and I didn't want to burden him. That is what I felt. I know this was not the way I should have coped but it was what I did. I need to get back into my healthy ways of coping. It will do me good. This is what I NEED to do. Although like everything, it's easier said than done. I need to kick the depression out that has set back in.

Today, Susan went home. Ma, dad, and Julie came down yesterday for Easter and it worked out perfect for taking Susan home. I feel really guilty for pushing her a bit to go home 4 days early, but really, in 4 days, what difference would that have really made? I'm afraid that I pissed her off, and that she will hate me forever for siding with Ma about that.

I knew that today would be an emotion filled day for me. I didn't do my eye makeup today, despite Susan having taught me how to do it now. (Thank you Susan!) I decided to head into work and once Susan was all packed and Ma and Dad were on their way from the hotel, that I would come on home for an hour and take my lunch break then, since I had a feeling they would leave soon after. I started by giving Susan and Dad hugs. I told Susan that she can do the the same things that she has been doing at home here. I know she can continue to make progress and that I love her. Gave dad a hug, and he told me thanks for everything. Gave Julie a hug and told her that I love her. Then I gave Ma a hug, and that's when I started to cry. I told her to take care of Susan. I'm crying now just thinking about the good byes. I mean, who tells their own MOTHER how to their care of their own DAUGHTER. It's kinda ridiculous isn't it? Ma, if I offended you by telling you that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you if I did.

I was so distracted all day at work. Even now at home. I've been Facebook Stalking my families profiles to see what all they post. I've been tempted to write Ma "directions" on how I've handled a few things with Susan, and her routine. I know, I feel like an overprotective mother. I just want to see Susan to continue to make progress. I know she will. She has it in her.

The house is so lonely without her. I have no funny stories from the day. No funny comments, or anything. It was especially hard tonight since Jason naps Monday nights. It's going to be a hard adjustment without her here. Susan, I miss you so much and I love you.

Now I gotta go, since I'm starting to soak my shirt with tears, and that is not a good thing.

I'm hoping to post a few fun pictures tomorrow from Susan's stay here. :)


Susan Kara said...

hey, quit feeling guilty! We totally understand how hard it is for you.

I'm not mad at you at all, and i don't think anyone here is. We understand that you couldn't be a rock for all of us.

I'm so glad you nagged me. Well, it wasn't even nagging. It was a push. If mom would have, i would have yelled at her.

So, where you annoyed that i wasn't doing everything, or that you had to remind me?

I love you. You don't have to say sorry. Now, focus on you, ok? You've done everything you could, and went above and beyond.

I love you. Seriously.

Amber said...

Susan, it means a lot to have you comment on this.

It's a huge relief for me to know you aren't mad at me. I was going to call or text you later and ask. I was so proud of you for not yelling at Jason and I. I know how hard it was for you to not yell at us.

The main thing that I was annoyed at was you not taking your pills in the morning. It just started my day out bad. I felt that I shouldn't of had to keep reminding you, etc. And to come home and see your bed not straighted and a mess in your room, and you sitting on the computer.

For some things I didn't mind pushing you on having to remind you. I thought it was hilarious that you called me a Nazi for instance.

Amber said...

Now to finish the rest of my comment. I love you too Susan. So very much. You know I would do anything for you. I will focus on myself now, but I won't stop worrying about you. It's what big sisters do.

I love you. :)