I am in a psych ward.

For those that know me well, know that I have struggled with depression since my teen years. I attempted suicide in 2001 and landed myself in a psych ward for 5 days. I told them everything they wanted to hear to get me out. I did not want to be there at all. When I got out, I went to see a counselor is our local town, I don't even remember what his name was, but he told me that I had, "Severe Chronic Depression and that there was nothing he could do to help me and that I had to learn how to say no." After that I kind of swore off therapists.



My depression has been coming back full force lately. I seen my primary care doctor about a year and a half ago and got put on Celexa for my depression. Then I went back a few months ago since I felt the Celexa wasn't working well and they suggested that I up the dosage. Looking back now, that is when I started to get migraines on a more regular basis. Not a good thing at all. Not feeling good and missing so much work worsened my depression. I started feeling so hopeless and if I didn't get help, then I would be back where I was in 2001 and I know I didn't want to be there.



My first step was telling Jason. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be as he has always been so supportive of me.



The next morning I called my Diamond Nurse (depression nurse) and said that I needed help. And felt that I needed more help than just a med adjustment. She talked to my primary care doc and called me back almost immediately. They both suggested that I go to the ER to see if I could get admitted to an inpatient program. They could call ahead and let the ER know that I was coming, but that was all they could do to make sure that the transition went easy. I showered (for the first time in 4 or 5 days) and packed some clothes, books, and toiletries and off to the ER we went.

Jason and I first went back to a little room that felt like it was closing in on me the longer I was in it, I didn't think that I had anxiety or claustrophobia...but I didn't know how long I could manage in it. Thankfully I was soon wheeled up to the Generose in the Mood Disorders Unit.

It was a really different experience than when I was up in Miller Dwan back in 2001. That felt almost like a jail. It was awful. This one there wasn't the loud clank of a door when you were admitted. It was a really warm and inviting environment, surprisingly. The first day and a half was hard. I sat by myself, and then started to socialize more. I'm going to miss some of the people that I have met here.

I've gotten some good information out of the classes, but not all of them. Some of them are a joke. But for the classes that I didn't get much out, that's ok.

Someday's I get really overwhelmed by all of the paperwork/forms that I have to fill out and all of the reading I have to do. It's nice that I know I can just set it aside and return to it in a little while. I know that I a lot that I have to work on, but that is good.

I know that this is where I needed to be. And rather than be in Miller Dwan, here I have been open, honest, and speaking up in classes. I didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get out.

My release date sounds like it is Tuesday. Today I feel like I can handle that. I know that I have wonderful supportive network of people around me. For that I am so very thankful. I don't know what I would do without them, especially Jason.

This was really hard to admit that I needed to be in a psych ward, but I knew it was where I needed to be. This was a really good decision for me.

After getting out of the psych ward, I already have a therapist appointment set up, and I'm going to be attending an Intensive Outpatient Program for Cognitative Behavior Therapy.

It's almost bedtime here, but I'm glad I got to post it. :) I just wanted to let everyone know kind of what was going on.