Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Where I am at today.

I've had a blog post brewing in me about the song "Strong One" by Clint Black.

But tonight that's not what I'm going to blog about tonight. That one might hurt peoples feelings and I don't think I want to do that. I don't have it in me to fight tonight and tonight I'm not feeling like a "strong one."

Lately I've been struggling with headaches and migraines again. It sucks. I usually wake up with them. I've been trying not to complain and post, especially on Facebook, but really, who needs negative stuff on Facebook. Lately this has been my attitude about all the negative stuff I've been seeing on Facebook.

I've been removing people because of their negativity, and because right now, I don't need that in my life. I'm sorry, but right now that's one thing I can cut out and I will.

Anyway, back to the migraines. Last week I called in 4 days because of migraines/really bad headaches. It killed me to call in, I love my job, I really do. I don't know what else to do though when I get them. My meds kill me. Oh and the irony of missing work last week? I also missed my headache clinic appointment due to a migraine. Heh. Isn't that the irony of all ironies?

I love going to work and being there and doing my job. It's fun, I have a variety of tasks, I feel appreciated for all I do. Someday's are frustrating, but that is with any job. I don't feel as if I have too much on my plate. My plate is full so to speak, but not overfull.

Also, I've really been struggling with my depression. I've been sinking back down again, and it's been really to pull myself back up. I'm doing what I can, and I really need to pull back out some of my IOP resources. They are all in a bag and very accessible. I've been doing things that I enjoy, playing with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles, getting outside, reading, and doing a bit of shopping. I'm doing my best not to isolate myself and keeping my positive/healthy habits going. It's hard as hell, and I'm keeping my head above water, but it's hard.

Because of my depression coming back, my Effexor was increased from 150 mg to 225 mg. After that was upped, I got 2 awful migraines. (Noting that for my own records.)

There are a couple things that are concerning to me. First, when I'm down, I want to go out and shop and spend money in hopes that it will make me happy. I've done some shopping, and now nothing was put on credit cards and nothing was overdrawn, etc. But that money should have gone towards our debt. Is this why they thought about diagnosing me with bipolar?

The second thing that has been me on the brink of tears since about 3 p.m. today is that my supervisor talked to me and said that I am doing an amazing job, when I'm here, but with all my absences, they would like to bring in a Kelly Temp person at least through orientation (the month of June) to be a back up for me if I'm off unexpectedly and to help with checkouts if at all possible. She did get approval from Administration for this. It makes sense, but it hurts. I've been very open with my supervisor and my coworker Trish about my depression and my supervisor said that when I called in I sounded so sad that it hurt her to hear my messages. (She lost her daughter to suicide, so she knows depression all too well.) And that if there is anything they can do for me in the meantime at work to please let me know. They want me to get the migraines and depression figured out so I can be back to work full time, as they really enjoy me, and my "skills are impeccable" but I just need to be there more.

All of that brings me to this:

I've come up with a few different options. One that I think I really need is to go spend time alone somewhere. For a week or two. To figure things out. But would that be a mistake? Would it not be? I don't have the paid time off to do. I don't have the money to go anywhere. But I truly thing that is what I need. To remove myself from my current situation, and go somewhere alone. Just me. I feel as if I truly need this. It would be healthy for me. But would it be a mistake? I don't know. Do I have the courage to do this? Can I do this? Can I make this happen?


Jamie said...

Hi Amber,

Speaking as a Bipolar 2 person, I know some of what you're going through. Somethings started going wrong for me around here and I started sinking into that hole again and it's terrifying. But you already know that. I can't honestly help but think that your idea of going away and spending a week alone seems like not such a good idea. Just my opinion here, but wouldn't that be the isolation that you've been fighting against? I believe that you talk to a therapist, is this something that you could discuss with them first?

I can see that maybe a day or so alone would be good for clearing your head, but a week sort of worries me. Especially since you wouldn't necessarily have your support system nearby if you needed them. Not to mention having to miss more work to do this.

I sincerely hope that you can get your medicines adjusted so that you feel better soon. And if you ever need to chat, you know where to find me.

Take Care,


Mrs. A. said...

I agree I do not think being along for that long would be healthy at this point. In high school and college there used to be many retreats that we could go on. These were always time away from home, time for yourself, and time for group sharing and reflection. I wonder if your therapist would know of any, if not a search of local churches might offer help. I think you need to find things to make you happy around other people as well. You love animals and live near Paws and Claws, maybe it would help to volunteer there a bit. If that seems to tough maybe other places. I know I always feel better helping others and it puts my problems in place. I encourage you to keep trying to find time to be active as well. The chemicals released with physical activity can be very helpful. My miagranes and stress are much better managed now. It only takes a little to make a difference. Try exploring town by foot in place of shopping. I know shopping is fun and makes us all feel great at the moment, but it seldom lasts long and often brings stress when we are done.

Keep fighting you can do this! We need to scrap again soon!

Susan Kara said...

I wish you would have said something to me about this, i'm here for you.
Posting that you're having migraines again doesn't mean you're negative.
If your world isn't all rainbows and sunshine and...yogurt (i'm really hungry and yogurt fits in with rainbows and sunshine because it's sooooooooo good) then don't post things that make it seem like you are. I love you and care about you so much, facebook is our main source of communication... tell me these things. I want to be there for you the way you and jason are for me.

Now, i'm not saying that you should post every little thing that goes wrong. But i am saying that if you don't tell anyone, we won't know.

As for your IOP stuff...i know how that is. It's all there and ready to read. I've only read my stuff a few times... but you need to pull that out and see what to do. Look at your discharge planning and crisis prevention (think that's what it's called) to see what to do, because i had forgotten everything i wrote on mine until julie said something.

If you're stressing about what's going on here, i can truthfully honestly tell you that it's getting better. Waaaaaay better. The only thing that kinda screws everyone up is my moodiness.

If i had put too much on you with the whole situation with home and it stressed you out too much, (or in the future) just tell me. I won't get angry, none of us will.

I love you. I'm just a call or text or message away. I'll have Mr. E all day tomorrow, if you want you can call and talk to him :)