Major Decision

First, I have to say that I saved this from the PostSecret website back in 2009 sometime. The thing about PostSecret secrets is that there really isn't an archive of them. I tend to save the ones that mean something to me. I was just looking around on my computer for a file I created quite a while ago and stumbled across this.

This fits me well. Though not necessarily the word "compromised." I have thought about others during every major decision in my life. I have put myself last while making them. Now how is that fair to me? It's not. From now on. I'm doing the unthinkable to me. I'm putting myself first. I'm worth it.

If anyone out there reading my blog is like me, and putting everyone else first in their life and yourself last, I'm going to be blunt here, that is part of what landed me in the psych ward. Now I'm not saying go out and be selfish in every decision you make. But remember to take time for you. Think about yourself some more. Make time for yourself and the stuff you want to do. If there is a major decision in your life, don't put other's opinions first. Put yourself first. You are worth it.

Home

In my last post I kinda explained what let up to the psych ward experience, but didn't really get a chance to explain much of it.

First, I met a couple of good cohorts there, Angie and Kurt Angie actually lives close to Rochester but Kurt lives in Michigan. It was great to meet them though. We all have been in contact with one another already. I think it helps being able to get support from people who have been there, especially the same time that you were. Don't get me wrong, I will still utilize my support system here at home. But man, we had a blast talking, laughing, and Angie and I both cried at different points during our stay. It was great being there for each other. I have a feeling that we will be life long friends.

The classes were hit and miss. Some of them I got a lot out of, other ones I walked out of more confused than I walked in. I can usually comprehend and information pretty well, but a couple of the classes I didn't That was very frustrating for me. I think that I got a lot out of the Cogitative Behavioral Therapy classes. I kinda want to do a brief post explaining what I learned because it made sense to me. I also learned a ton in Occupational Therapy. That was one of my favorites. Though my all time favorite classes was Recreation Therapy. Does that surprise anyone? I started a wood burning project! I have never done wood burning before, but it has always interested me. I didn't get finish the project, but I ordered a wood burning gun from Joann's online since they don't carry them in store. I actually got it for a really good deal too! I can't wait for it to get it. It's just amazing to me what all you can create with wood burning and the oil pencils. I'm getting 8 of those with my set, but I think I'm going to want more. I picked up a new hobby in there Yay!

I also wrote down quite a few quotes that I enjoyed throughout my time there. I think I'm going to have to post those on there as I think a few of you enjoy questions as well. I also got a bunch of movie recommendations as well as a bunch of book recommendations. Maybe that would be a good place to go on Friday.

I start my Intensive Outpatient Program on Monday. I go there 3 days a week from 8 a.m. to noon for 3 weeks. I also have appointments in the next 3 weeks as well. It's nice having them all set up in advanced though. That makes me feel relieved, which is a very good thing.

Yesterday, I was very emotional though. I think it's because I tried to over do it and do a "normal" day from before. Despite my Occupational therapist telling me not to over do it but don't under do it either. Today I'm doing much better. I've been productive, I worked on my knifty knitter, and I blogged so far! I'm planning on doing something on the treadmill too. My goal right now, is to just do 10 minutes 3 times a week. I know it's not much, but just to ease myself back into it, and besides doing that is better than nothing. If I want to do more, then that's fine, if not, that's fine too.

Does anyone have any questions about when I was in the Psych Ward? I'm more than willing to answer them to the best of my ability.

I am in a psych ward.

For those that know me well, know that I have struggled with depression since my teen years. I attempted suicide in 2001 and landed myself in a psych ward for 5 days. I told them everything they wanted to hear to get me out. I did not want to be there at all. When I got out, I went to see a counselor is our local town, I don't even remember what his name was, but he told me that I had, "Severe Chronic Depression and that there was nothing he could do to help me and that I had to learn how to say no." After that I kind of swore off therapists.



My depression has been coming back full force lately. I seen my primary care doctor about a year and a half ago and got put on Celexa for my depression. Then I went back a few months ago since I felt the Celexa wasn't working well and they suggested that I up the dosage. Looking back now, that is when I started to get migraines on a more regular basis. Not a good thing at all. Not feeling good and missing so much work worsened my depression. I started feeling so hopeless and if I didn't get help, then I would be back where I was in 2001 and I know I didn't want to be there.



My first step was telling Jason. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be as he has always been so supportive of me.



The next morning I called my Diamond Nurse (depression nurse) and said that I needed help. And felt that I needed more help than just a med adjustment. She talked to my primary care doc and called me back almost immediately. They both suggested that I go to the ER to see if I could get admitted to an inpatient program. They could call ahead and let the ER know that I was coming, but that was all they could do to make sure that the transition went easy. I showered (for the first time in 4 or 5 days) and packed some clothes, books, and toiletries and off to the ER we went.

Jason and I first went back to a little room that felt like it was closing in on me the longer I was in it, I didn't think that I had anxiety or claustrophobia...but I didn't know how long I could manage in it. Thankfully I was soon wheeled up to the Generose in the Mood Disorders Unit.

It was a really different experience than when I was up in Miller Dwan back in 2001. That felt almost like a jail. It was awful. This one there wasn't the loud clank of a door when you were admitted. It was a really warm and inviting environment, surprisingly. The first day and a half was hard. I sat by myself, and then started to socialize more. I'm going to miss some of the people that I have met here.

I've gotten some good information out of the classes, but not all of them. Some of them are a joke. But for the classes that I didn't get much out, that's ok.

Someday's I get really overwhelmed by all of the paperwork/forms that I have to fill out and all of the reading I have to do. It's nice that I know I can just set it aside and return to it in a little while. I know that I a lot that I have to work on, but that is good.

I know that this is where I needed to be. And rather than be in Miller Dwan, here I have been open, honest, and speaking up in classes. I didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get out.

My release date sounds like it is Tuesday. Today I feel like I can handle that. I know that I have wonderful supportive network of people around me. For that I am so very thankful. I don't know what I would do without them, especially Jason.

This was really hard to admit that I needed to be in a psych ward, but I knew it was where I needed to be. This was a really good decision for me.

After getting out of the psych ward, I already have a therapist appointment set up, and I'm going to be attending an Intensive Outpatient Program for Cognitative Behavior Therapy.

It's almost bedtime here, but I'm glad I got to post it. :) I just wanted to let everyone know kind of what was going on.

New Corset Pictures!

Here are some pictures of my new corset! It's bright pink and black, which is so me! I just love it. :) It was a happy day getting my Torrid order in the mail. It's all about the small things.

Now I have to figure out where I can wear this.....

A Job I Love

I started working at around 16 (or was it 15...I don't remember!) and since then I've had my fair of jobs. Here are the ones that I recall off the top of my head:

• Cashier at Chris's Fairway (Local Grocery Store)
• Activity Aid at the Nursing Home
• Registered Nursing Assistant at the Nursing Home
• Counselor at Community Involvement Programs (Basically I assisted developmentally challenged people with daily tasks)
• Softlines Employee and Cashier at Wal-Mart
• Deli Associate at Wal-Mart
• Administrative Assistant in MES
• Teaching Assistant in MES

Out of all these jobs there were some that I liked, some that were okay, and some that I truly hated, but I needed the money. Out of all of these jobs I have never had one that I truly LOVED. That I looked forward to going to every single day, one that brought me joy and happiness. One that I didn't mind staying late at. I've heard people talk about loving their jobs and always wondered what it was like; and if I would ever get to experience that. I honestly didn't think I would.

Then last week I started working at Rochester Scrapbooking Company. This is the first job that I have ever had that I truly LOVED. The time goes by so fast, you keep busy and it's just so much fun! I get to do a little bit of everything there it seems. It has different aspects of what I liked about different jobs. I get to help customers, I get to check in and put product away, I get to get to create classes/layouts for the store. I get to talk crafting and scrapbooking with people who get it! I mean, it's awesome!!! How much fun is that!

Yesterday was the first day I worked alone, and while I did have to call Nancy a few times with questions, it was so much fun! I felt like I was busy, busy, busy! We had 7 croppers there for most of the day. A fairly constant stream of customers, and although they didn't always buy something I answered many questions and spent a lot of time with them. I started prepping a layout I designed for class. It was just so much fun! The day flew by so fast!

On the way home from work, I must have told Jason that I loved my job at least 10 times. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it, but this is truly a new and welcome experience for me. I am so blessed to finally have a job I love.

Happy Halloween!

This is what I dressed up as yesterday for the RSC Halloween Crop!!! Can you guess what I am?







I'm a Wannbe Domestic Diva!! I LOVE IT! I had the dress already (prom dress junior year!), the apron as well. I made the long pearl necklace quickly. All I had to buy was the Tiara, which I got on sale at Hobby Lobby 40% off!! I loved that I had just about everything!

I haven't blogged in a while either. There is a bit new with me. I got a part-time job at my favorite scrapbook store ever! Rochester Scrapbooking Company! I started this week and boy is it fun! I just love it all! Helping customers, checking in and putting out product, answering the phone, creating! It is honestly my perfect dream job! I honestly can't believe how fast the hours go when I am working there. It's crazy! Tomorrow is the first time that I am working alone. I'm opening and closing alone. I am a bit nervous, but I'm sure that things will go just fine.

Oh and did you like the picture I posted? I edited it heavily in Photoshop Elements, and I know that some might consider it a bit overdone, but I think it kinda has a nice vintage appeal. Thoughts? Constructive criticism?

Getting Better?

I'm wondering if I am getting better. My headache is practically non-existent and I'm not sleeping near as much as I was. I have a bit more energy too. Could I be getting better? I'm hoping so!

Another Dr. Appointment Update

I just got back from the doctor and thought it would be best if I updated it here so people know what is going on without me having to explain it a zillion and ten times. (Ok, that is an exaggeration, but still).

The bottom line is that they still don't know what is wrong with me.

If you want more details here you go:

The oximetry test came back normal. My oxygen levels don't dip like they would with sleep apnea. At this time they are not going to do an overnight sleep test as they feel that would be a waste as I am sleeping fine.

I have to do a fasting blood test tomorrow and they are going to draw blood for the the following tests:

CBC (blood counts)

Lymes and Ehrlichia

Glucose

Thyroid

Mono

Yes, I had many of these before, but he wants to compare them and see if anything has changed. He also mentioned sending me to an infectious disease specialist but they generally want a little more information to go on. He could refer me to them if he needed to, but wants to see how these tests go. The doctor did say that there is something going on in my body with the low-grade fever, fatigue, and headaches.

I am supposed to continue taking my naproxen and amitriptolene as I am now.

I see the doctor back on October 8. I am off work until at least October 9.

I just wanna cry...

(First, isn't that a song name?)

Once again this morning, I got up at my usual time when I work and had full intentions of going to work. While I was showering, my headache came back in full force and I am just so drained. I know I couldn't make it 3 hours on my feet in class. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything. I hate this. I feel like I'm not pulling share at work, and like I should be there. I've always hated taking time off from work for sick days. I hate it that my body isn't agreeing with my mind. I feel like I should be going, but my body tells me differently. Though looking in mirror I can tell by both my eyes and the red half-heart above my upper lip that I don't feel good.

I have my dr. appt. this afternoon again. I'm planning on sleeping until then. I'm hoping that I can find out something there. I hate feeling like this and that if I were a stronger person I would be at work.

Weekend

{This is a picture of one of the Bridges at the cabin. Love this picture. I think Julie took it. Oh and this has nothing to do with my post here, I just liked the picture.}

On Friday I woke up and my headache was nearly gone! I felt awesome!!! I did sleep in until about noon though. I really wanted to run into RSC since Mama Jenny and Jessi were going to be there, and I did! I did a bit of shopping and some visiting. I think I was there for 2 hours. It was awesome though. I so needed some Bellywing time. Laughter and flashing is always fun! Loved it!

That night Leslie came over and brought me dinner and insisted on doing dishes. Dinner was fantastic and I loved catching up with her. I don't see her nearly enough. Leslie, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing the dishes and how much Jason did as well. Thank you so much hon! I love spending time with Leslie, she is so much fun and we have so much in common. Time flew by though as it always does.

I managed to not even nap on Friday, and while I was a bit tired, it wasn't unbearable.

Sadly that didn't last. :( I woke up today (Saturday) with my headache back again. Not as bad as it was, but it was bad enough. :( Jason and I did run up to the Cities to go to Chili's and get me a Sonic Sweet Tea. (Isn't he the best!!!) I slept up on the way up, but not on the way back. Despite all my meds, my headache was back in full force. When we got home I went and laid down and slept again. So tired and so headachey today. Ugh, I want days like Friday back.

But you know what, I'm grateful for having such a great husband, friends, and family. I honestly don't know what I would do without you all.

Thank You!

I have the best friends. Seriously you guys, your emails and comments on my last post meant so much to me. Thank you.

While waiting at Mayo for my appt. I made a list for Jason and he is still at the store. He dropped me off and I went up to sleep. I couldn't sleep, but did rest and read. I feel a bit better now. All of you guys helped me so much.

I'll be replying to emails tonight, so don't think that I'm not going to.

P.S. If you were wondering the bread did not turn out. Jason is either going to come home with bread or a new bread machine. We will see. :)

Pity Party for 1

I know that I really shouldn't be complaining, and I know that there are so many people going through stuff much worse than me, but today all those little things just added up and it's like the straw that broke the camels back.

I went to bed at about midnight last night and had a hard time falling asleep. Not a big deal as I'm off today. Today I woke up at about 7:30 to go to the bathroom and was up for maybe 30 minutes before heading back to bed with Jason. And let's just say I wasn't up for Jason's teasing today. After I finally got to sleep, my cell phone rang at about 9:30 and it was Mayo, with my test results, but I couldn't figure out how to answer the damn phone as I was half asleep and didn't have my glasses on. Grrrrr. Had an awful headache so rather than calling back I decided to go back to bed. Slept again until about noon.

Tried to call Mayo about my test results, and of course everyone was out to lunch. Tried twice since then and they haven't been able to get a hold of the nurse. Ugh.

The one thing that Jason asked me to do today was to make bread as we are out. Usually this isn't a big deal, but today the bread machine doesn't work. I unplugged, re-plugged, and banged it around for a good 15 minutes almost in tears since I had everything in the bread pan already. I ended up mixing it by hand, and now it's supposed to be rising, but it's really not. Failure.

Huge headache still at this time, and I can't take my pills until I have eaten something. Well considering we haven't grocery shopped in about 2 weeks, we have close to nothing in the house. I debated about running to get somewhere but I didn't trust myself driving with the headache. Lunch today was an English muffin with cheese. Great fulfilling lunch huh? Finally got my pills in me, and hoped that would make me feel better, but my stomach is still rolling.

I have to go to Gonda at 3 p.m. today to pick up the oximeter thing (I think that's what it is called.) and to learn how to use it. I get to wear that on my finger tonight. I am so not up for going, but I want to have it all done. I managed to shower, and managed to almost slip and fall on the bath mat in there, and when I turned the shower on, I managed to get all wet (this was before I was even undressed.) Ugh. At least I am clean.

Tried to call Mayo AGAIN for my results and no nurses are available to give them to me. Ugh.

I had plans today to go and see Mrs. A at RSC and get in a bit of girl time, but I know I'm not up for that. :( I'm so sad that I had to cancel. I was so looking forward to that.

I was also hoping to go to the store as we have basically nothing in the house to eat, and I need to eat food with my pills. For some reason I don't think that will happen either. :(

MRI Results

I just got home from my Dr. appointment and the results of the MRI are in. Everything looks good, which is good.

The bad is that the Dr. still doesn't know what's wrong with me.

They took more blood today to run more tests, and tomorrow I have to pick up an oximeter and get to wear that while I sleep. Depending on those results I may have to go in for a sleep study. He wants to rule out a couple of things, including Sleep Apnea.

I'm very happy with all the time that he took with me and that we are working on ruling more things out.

He also wants me to get as much rest as possible and to stay on the drugs that they have prescribed me. He said that I can go back to work as long as I feel up to it, and if I don't, then I need to call in for another Dr.'s note.

So there you have it. You all know as much as I do now. :)

Update on Me

First, I'm so sorry for not updating sooner, but as soon as I got home, I had to nap. I was so damn tired. I had the MRI this afternoon. It went ok. I'm very happy that I decided to take the Ativan (oral sedation). I absolutely hated how loud it was even with ear plugs. How in the hell is that supposed to help me?! I was fine until they pulled me out and had put the contrast in. After that I felt so nauseous. But I didn't lose anything! I was fine as long as I kept my eyes closed and focused on the sounds, which I ended up counting since they were different.

Anyway, we don't know the results yet, that appointment is scheduled for next Monday. I am going to call tomorrow and see if it can be moved up. I don't want to wait that long....

Sick ASS* Update

Let's see. I had another appointment this morning and the bottom line is that they don't know what's wrong with me.

All of my tests came back as normal or negative, which I guess is a good thing. I'm very happy that they are ruling things out, but on the other hand, it's frustrating not knowing what is wrong with me.

The doctors decided to find out the cause of the headaches first, and then they are hoping that that helps with the extreme fatigue that I have been feeling. They put me on Amitriptyline, at 10 mg each day at night. After 1 week I increase that to 20 mg, then 30 mg, etc. all the way up to 50 mg. I also got a prescription of naproxen to take twice a day. With those I can't take any over the counter drugs. I feel like a pill box. I hate taking pills. Ugh. But honestly if it makes the headaches go away for a while, then it's worth it. Also with those pills, Jason and I try for a baby. So back to using protection for a while. Ugh. That makes me sad, but I need to get better first.

Also, I have a head/brain MRI on Monday to see if they can find out what is causing the pain. The only bad thing is that I have to wait a week from Monday for the results.

I have to say that I have some wonderful friends out there who have offered me basically anything that I need. I love you guy so much! I'm very thankful that I have next week off of work to sleep and relax.

Now the question is does anyone want to come over and clean my house? ;)

*Btw, for those of you that don't know my initials are ASS and the Bellywings call me ASS because there are a few Amber's in our group. :)

Sick

So I haven't been feeling 100% for the past three weeks or so. Yesterday my headache got so bad I went home from work early. So rather than explaining everything to everyone who asks, I am going to link everyone to this entry, lol.

Symptoms:

• Headache Daily for about the past three weeks. Some days worse than others, but it's been really bad since Sunday. Yesterday it got so bad I have to leave work. I got a bit dizzy and couldn't focus or concentrate.


• Extreme fatigue. I seem like I can't enough sleep. It's gotten so bad that I'm having a hard time staying awake at work. Yes, I am getting enough sleep at night, and napping while I can when I'm home. I'm still wiped out.


• Chills. Off and on for the past 2 or 3 days.


• Low-grade fever. Don't know for how long as I never thought to take my temp.


• According to my Doc, I have enlarged glands and my liver and spleen seem tender.


• BP and pulse is good.


• About 2 weeks ago I had an awful runny nose.


• I have a bit of a sore throat, but not too bad.

Ruled out by the Doc Today:

• Mono. Test came back negative.


• Pregnancy. (Could be causing fatigue, and needed to find out if I was so she could prescribe me something.)


• All of my cell counts and everything came back fine.

Action taken today:

• Tramadol injection given in my bum to help relieve the headache


• Prescription filled for 800mg of ibuprofen to help


• Influenza test taken will know results tomorrow


• Thyroid and other blood tests taken. Will know results on Friday


• Told to rest and sleep a lot.


• Can't go back to work until Friday at noon at the earliest.

Course of Action:

• Influenza test results back tomorrow.


• Appointment on Friday morning for other results.


• If the Doc's can't find anything wrong I may have to go for an MRI/Catscan if the headaches don't ease up.

Bottom line:

• The Doc's don't know what's wrong with me.

At this point and time:

• I'm feeling pretty good. Headache is gone and I made supper tonight. Now feeling really tired. I'm hoping and praying the headache stays away.


• I still feel clammy/like I have a fever.


• I'm feeling a bit nauseous/upset stomach and don't know why.