Where I am at today.

I've had a blog post brewing in me about the song "Strong One" by Clint Black.

But tonight that's not what I'm going to blog about tonight. That one might hurt peoples feelings and I don't think I want to do that. I don't have it in me to fight tonight and tonight I'm not feeling like a "strong one."

Lately I've been struggling with headaches and migraines again. It sucks. I usually wake up with them. I've been trying not to complain and post, especially on Facebook, but really, who needs negative stuff on Facebook. Lately this has been my attitude about all the negative stuff I've been seeing on Facebook.

I've been removing people because of their negativity, and because right now, I don't need that in my life. I'm sorry, but right now that's one thing I can cut out and I will.

Anyway, back to the migraines. Last week I called in 4 days because of migraines/really bad headaches. It killed me to call in, I love my job, I really do. I don't know what else to do though when I get them. My meds kill me. Oh and the irony of missing work last week? I also missed my headache clinic appointment due to a migraine. Heh. Isn't that the irony of all ironies?

I love going to work and being there and doing my job. It's fun, I have a variety of tasks, I feel appreciated for all I do. Someday's are frustrating, but that is with any job. I don't feel as if I have too much on my plate. My plate is full so to speak, but not overfull.

Also, I've really been struggling with my depression. I've been sinking back down again, and it's been really to pull myself back up. I'm doing what I can, and I really need to pull back out some of my IOP resources. They are all in a bag and very accessible. I've been doing things that I enjoy, playing with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles, getting outside, reading, and doing a bit of shopping. I'm doing my best not to isolate myself and keeping my positive/healthy habits going. It's hard as hell, and I'm keeping my head above water, but it's hard.

Because of my depression coming back, my Effexor was increased from 150 mg to 225 mg. After that was upped, I got 2 awful migraines. (Noting that for my own records.)

There are a couple things that are concerning to me. First, when I'm down, I want to go out and shop and spend money in hopes that it will make me happy. I've done some shopping, and now nothing was put on credit cards and nothing was overdrawn, etc. But that money should have gone towards our debt. Is this why they thought about diagnosing me with bipolar?

The second thing that has been me on the brink of tears since about 3 p.m. today is that my supervisor talked to me and said that I am doing an amazing job, when I'm here, but with all my absences, they would like to bring in a Kelly Temp person at least through orientation (the month of June) to be a back up for me if I'm off unexpectedly and to help with checkouts if at all possible. She did get approval from Administration for this. It makes sense, but it hurts. I've been very open with my supervisor and my coworker Trish about my depression and my supervisor said that when I called in I sounded so sad that it hurt her to hear my messages. (She lost her daughter to suicide, so she knows depression all too well.) And that if there is anything they can do for me in the meantime at work to please let me know. They want me to get the migraines and depression figured out so I can be back to work full time, as they really enjoy me, and my "skills are impeccable" but I just need to be there more.

All of that brings me to this:

I've come up with a few different options. One that I think I really need is to go spend time alone somewhere. For a week or two. To figure things out. But would that be a mistake? Would it not be? I don't have the paid time off to do. I don't have the money to go anywhere. But I truly thing that is what I need. To remove myself from my current situation, and go somewhere alone. Just me. I feel as if I truly need this. It would be healthy for me. But would it be a mistake? I don't know. Do I have the courage to do this? Can I do this? Can I make this happen?

Emotions

*disclaimer, this blog entry is not to hurt anyones feelings, nor to cause harm to anyone, I am purely stating my feelings and emotions.*

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions. I haven't shared much online, but I bet a few of you have pieced together a few things if you Facebook stalk me, lol.

Long story short, Susan, my 18 year old sister came with Jason and I on our visit up north the first weekend of April. She wanted help with her depression, and seen that I got help and wanted to go the same place that I went. Makes sense, we were able to get her admitted on April 4. She stayed inpatient until April 13. I visited her close to every other day at least. Some days I visited her 2 or 3 times a day. It was a lot of running.

When I first went with her to go up and get her settled in, I couldn't believe that it was a little over a month ago that I was there. As a patient. It was so hard for me to be back there so soon. I honestly wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. It hurt me so bad that the staff thought I was a patient again. I felt like they had thought that I had failed and was back in myself. I know that it's very likely I may end up seeking treatment again and I'm ok with that, but at that point I was doing very good, taking good care of myself, and managing things well. I felt like a failure when I felt there that first night, despite staying there as long as Susan wanted me too.

I'm very thankful that during this I was working only half days. I don't know how I could have managed working full time during this. The half days were hard enough and balancing getting the things Susan needed and visiting her and still taking the time for myself. I felt like I should visit and be there for her no matter what, as I was the only family she had in town. I am so proud of her for seeking help.

Sitting with her in the ER that Sunday, trying to get her admitted into the impatient program was hard. I felt like I had been turned into a parent instantly. In fact the ER doctor thought I was her mom....I didn't think I looked old enough to be her mom!!! Thankfully all of the patients that were inpatient thought that we were sisters or twins. That made me feel so much better. But instantly I felt so much responsibility for her and that I had to support Susan, myself, Jason, and the entire family. I knew I could not do that. I was so afraid that I would hurt Ma's feelings when I was open and honest and assertive with her (those are some of my goals I'm still working on) when I had to text her in the car on the way down telling her that I could support her and Susan at the same time. I felt like I had let her down so much. I knew it would be a struggle for me to support myself and Susan. I had to remember to focus on me still since I was still struggling to get into the swing of things and work on being healthy.

During the time that Susan was staying with us, we set some some healthy routines and habits. I felt like I constantly had to check on her to make sure she was doing them. I hated that feeling. I felt like a nag and that it was something I shouldn't have to do. It annoyed me, but I tried to not let it show. I tried to do gentle reminders, but I don't think they came across that way sometimes. During this entire time period I felt like a mom, despite never having a child, and Susan showing great progress. She never yelled at me, despite telling me that she was very angry at me later.

I will admit that during this time I was not doing anything to focus on myself or my treatment to get better, other than going to therapy appointments. I meant I tried doing my diaphragmatic breathing, and trying other of my CBT skills, but that's about it. I did not stick to my routine at all. Oh, I did go to my therapy appointments, but it was so hard at first because my therapist was not in for the first part of April due to having surgery. She did not get in until April 14. That was rough. I didn't feel comfortable going to see another person there either. I kept most of my thoughts and feels (especially the negative ones) inside. I tried to share some with Jason, but he was stressed too, and I didn't want to burden him. That is what I felt. I know this was not the way I should have coped but it was what I did. I need to get back into my healthy ways of coping. It will do me good. This is what I NEED to do. Although like everything, it's easier said than done. I need to kick the depression out that has set back in.

Today, Susan went home. Ma, dad, and Julie came down yesterday for Easter and it worked out perfect for taking Susan home. I feel really guilty for pushing her a bit to go home 4 days early, but really, in 4 days, what difference would that have really made? I'm afraid that I pissed her off, and that she will hate me forever for siding with Ma about that.

I knew that today would be an emotion filled day for me. I didn't do my eye makeup today, despite Susan having taught me how to do it now. (Thank you Susan!) I decided to head into work and once Susan was all packed and Ma and Dad were on their way from the hotel, that I would come on home for an hour and take my lunch break then, since I had a feeling they would leave soon after. I started by giving Susan and Dad hugs. I told Susan that she can do the the same things that she has been doing at home here. I know she can continue to make progress and that I love her. Gave dad a hug, and he told me thanks for everything. Gave Julie a hug and told her that I love her. Then I gave Ma a hug, and that's when I started to cry. I told her to take care of Susan. I'm crying now just thinking about the good byes. I mean, who tells their own MOTHER how to their care of their own DAUGHTER. It's kinda ridiculous isn't it? Ma, if I offended you by telling you that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you if I did.

I was so distracted all day at work. Even now at home. I've been Facebook Stalking my families profiles to see what all they post. I've been tempted to write Ma "directions" on how I've handled a few things with Susan, and her routine. I know, I feel like an overprotective mother. I just want to see Susan to continue to make progress. I know she will. She has it in her.

The house is so lonely without her. I have no funny stories from the day. No funny comments, or anything. It was especially hard tonight since Jason naps Monday nights. It's going to be a hard adjustment without her here. Susan, I miss you so much and I love you.

Now I gotta go, since I'm starting to soak my shirt with tears, and that is not a good thing.

I'm hoping to post a few fun pictures tomorrow from Susan's stay here. :)

Being Honest.

(Click on image to make it larger)

Since I'm supposed to be honest, I'm going to make a blog entry today about what I'm feeling.

Today I feel like a failure, and I've been kinda down all day, even though I really don't have a reason to be. I slept good last night and everything.

Work started out great. Got a couple meetings scheduled that were the meetings from hell. The physician's schedules would never coordinate, one admininistrative assistant wouldn't give up any time at all on her physician's calendar, even though he volunteered for this project, knowing that it would be a very tight deadline, etc. It felt good to get those scheduled. I've just kinda felt melancholy.

I had an appointment today in Endo. My primary care doc. Referred me there since they could do my pap smear, and give me more options than just a birth control pill to force me to have a period, since I haven't had one for about 1 1/2 to 2 years.

The appointment went nothing like I though. First of all, I wasn't assertive at all, like I should have been. I just went along with whatever. I was also irked from the get go when my report time was 2:30 (I was there at that point, so was Jason), and my appointment time was 2:45, and I didn't get to see anyone until 3:15. Keep in mind that there was absolutely no one else in the waiting room, we need no other patients, etc.

At 3:15 two residents/fellows come in and introduce themselves. I'm irked right away since they look so young, and I've already waited for 45 minutes and I haven't seen the doctor I made my appointment for yet.

They start out with, well we think you have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.) Umm...yea, I was diagnosed with that back in 2004....they say that they couldn't find anything about that in my file, it's there.....I had to help them find it. How does that work? I'm irked even more. They go on and on about tests and such. Eventually the doc comes in and I walk out with my head spinning. I don't even know what's going on to tell you the truth. I'm so lost and feel so stupid that I can't even comprehend everything. The appointment went nothing like I thought it would. I don't know what I was expecting, but nothing like this. It's hard to explain.

Within the next week I have teh following appointments set up in regards of this appointment.

• Ultrasound--to confirm that I have PCOS. Apparently you need this now to confirm that you have it.
• Blood Tests--You need blood tests too to confirm that you have it.
• 3 hour glucose test--because they are concerned that I may eventually have diabetes. Just becuase of my weight. While I get that, my glucose, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels were monitored closely while I was in Generose. They were all normal. Do I really need this?
• Dietitian Consult--I know I could benefit from this. But right now? I just don't know.
• Exercise test--I had no idea I had to have this done. Why?
• Follow-Up Appointment--to go over the results of everything

I am just stressing over everything about this appointment. Is it really needed now? Do I need to do it all? I mean it's just insane to me. Do I need it or do they just want my money? It's stressing me out just thinking of all of these appointments and all that I'm going to be missing work for these. Plus my Thursday therapy appointments. I feel like my plate is full and this would over fill it for me, and that would not be a good thing. I'm seriously tempted to call and cancel all of the appointments.

Just from this appointment I have 2 hours of time to make up from work, or I have to take 2 hours of PTO, which I'm not sure I have. Or 2 hours of no pay. Grrrrr. That is stressing me out too.

I'm worried that I'm trying to give Susan too much too soon. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed. But I do want to try to teach her some responsibility while she is here. I love having Susan here. I can't wait until Jason and I someday move back up north to be close to family to be close to everyone all the time. That will be amazing. I don't know if I"m doing the right things with Susan or not. I'm worried I'm not doing the right things and I'm second and third, and fourth, etc. guessing myself all the times.

I've been trying to take better care of myself lately, but I've been failing at that too. I'm just doing what needs to be done. One thing I've defined that I need is 30-60 minutes of alone time each day. I haven't been getting that. I don't know how to get that, especially since I'm back full time, but I need me time so damn bad. I feel so guilty leaving Susan and Jason for the day while I get some me time in. Since Thursday, I think I've got 2-30 minute sessions in. That's just not enough for me. I don't know how to make myself a proirity. I feel like I need to take care of everyone around me.

Tonight I wasn't even thinking and didn't realize that I needed to wash clothes so Jason would have clean uniforms for work tonight. I should have known that. But did I think about it, of course not.

Lately I've been picking up more negativity around me, at home, at work, at stores, all over. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like it is seeping into me, and I can't get it out.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed tonight, and I was hoping that tonight writing it all out would help me, but it didn't.

Oh, and yes, I have been doing my relaxation breathing, and some of my CBT skills. They help to a certain extent.

I just don't know what else to do right now. I just hate feeling this way.

Stress

It feels like it has been forever since I have posted. I feel like I have written a zillion posts in my head, but nothing ever got written down over here where people actually read it.

I've been realizing lately that I've been putting a lot of pressure and stress on myself. How smart is that? Stressing yourself out? Not too smart, if I can say so.

I've found that my massive huge, long lists stress me out. I can still be a list lover, but I just have to not make them so long, and prioritize what I have on them.

I stress myself out by being around people who think negatively, because that makes me think negatively. Now, I'm not saying everyone has to be positive all the time, that is just not realistic. But I've noticed that some people are much more negative than others. In my online life, I've been removing them from Facebook, Twitter, etc. For me, it's a good choice.

I stress myself out by feeling like I have to accomplish EVERYTHING in a day. I don't give myself credit for what I have done, but focus on the failure. As Dr. Phil (I think it's him that says this) would say, "How's that working for you." Not very well, honestly. I've been working very hard to focus on the positive and leave the negative by the wayside.

I could go on and on about how I cause myself stress. I am learning to recognize what causes me to stress out and how to prevent it. For me, that is huge.

I have also learned that I have to remember to take care of ME. It's so hard to do, but it's so important. Starting today I'm going to take at least 30 minutes of alone time daily to just decompress and focus on myself. I don't know what all I will do during it, but I just know what I need it.

I also know that I need to get back to doing some of my CBT based stuff. Like Thought Records for instance. Those seriously helped me. I also need to continue with my exercise and eating healthy that seriously makes a word of difference. I can't forget my leisure time either. That is different than my alone time. I think I'm going to start using my leisure time to focus on creative projects. I miss doing those all the time.

I've learned so much over the last month and I know what skills/tasks I should be focusing on and doing, but at the same time it seems like so much work. I need my IOP friends back here with me. They would keep me on track. :)

Major Decision

First, I have to say that I saved this from the PostSecret website back in 2009 sometime. The thing about PostSecret secrets is that there really isn't an archive of them. I tend to save the ones that mean something to me. I was just looking around on my computer for a file I created quite a while ago and stumbled across this.

This fits me well. Though not necessarily the word "compromised." I have thought about others during every major decision in my life. I have put myself last while making them. Now how is that fair to me? It's not. From now on. I'm doing the unthinkable to me. I'm putting myself first. I'm worth it.

If anyone out there reading my blog is like me, and putting everyone else first in their life and yourself last, I'm going to be blunt here, that is part of what landed me in the psych ward. Now I'm not saying go out and be selfish in every decision you make. But remember to take time for you. Think about yourself some more. Make time for yourself and the stuff you want to do. If there is a major decision in your life, don't put other's opinions first. Put yourself first. You are worth it.

Home

In my last post I kinda explained what let up to the psych ward experience, but didn't really get a chance to explain much of it.

First, I met a couple of good cohorts there, Angie and Kurt Angie actually lives close to Rochester but Kurt lives in Michigan. It was great to meet them though. We all have been in contact with one another already. I think it helps being able to get support from people who have been there, especially the same time that you were. Don't get me wrong, I will still utilize my support system here at home. But man, we had a blast talking, laughing, and Angie and I both cried at different points during our stay. It was great being there for each other. I have a feeling that we will be life long friends.

The classes were hit and miss. Some of them I got a lot out of, other ones I walked out of more confused than I walked in. I can usually comprehend and information pretty well, but a couple of the classes I didn't That was very frustrating for me. I think that I got a lot out of the Cogitative Behavioral Therapy classes. I kinda want to do a brief post explaining what I learned because it made sense to me. I also learned a ton in Occupational Therapy. That was one of my favorites. Though my all time favorite classes was Recreation Therapy. Does that surprise anyone? I started a wood burning project! I have never done wood burning before, but it has always interested me. I didn't get finish the project, but I ordered a wood burning gun from Joann's online since they don't carry them in store. I actually got it for a really good deal too! I can't wait for it to get it. It's just amazing to me what all you can create with wood burning and the oil pencils. I'm getting 8 of those with my set, but I think I'm going to want more. I picked up a new hobby in there Yay!

I also wrote down quite a few quotes that I enjoyed throughout my time there. I think I'm going to have to post those on there as I think a few of you enjoy questions as well. I also got a bunch of movie recommendations as well as a bunch of book recommendations. Maybe that would be a good place to go on Friday.

I start my Intensive Outpatient Program on Monday. I go there 3 days a week from 8 a.m. to noon for 3 weeks. I also have appointments in the next 3 weeks as well. It's nice having them all set up in advanced though. That makes me feel relieved, which is a very good thing.

Yesterday, I was very emotional though. I think it's because I tried to over do it and do a "normal" day from before. Despite my Occupational therapist telling me not to over do it but don't under do it either. Today I'm doing much better. I've been productive, I worked on my knifty knitter, and I blogged so far! I'm planning on doing something on the treadmill too. My goal right now, is to just do 10 minutes 3 times a week. I know it's not much, but just to ease myself back into it, and besides doing that is better than nothing. If I want to do more, then that's fine, if not, that's fine too.

Does anyone have any questions about when I was in the Psych Ward? I'm more than willing to answer them to the best of my ability.

I am in a psych ward.

For those that know me well, know that I have struggled with depression since my teen years. I attempted suicide in 2001 and landed myself in a psych ward for 5 days. I told them everything they wanted to hear to get me out. I did not want to be there at all. When I got out, I went to see a counselor is our local town, I don't even remember what his name was, but he told me that I had, "Severe Chronic Depression and that there was nothing he could do to help me and that I had to learn how to say no." After that I kind of swore off therapists.



My depression has been coming back full force lately. I seen my primary care doctor about a year and a half ago and got put on Celexa for my depression. Then I went back a few months ago since I felt the Celexa wasn't working well and they suggested that I up the dosage. Looking back now, that is when I started to get migraines on a more regular basis. Not a good thing at all. Not feeling good and missing so much work worsened my depression. I started feeling so hopeless and if I didn't get help, then I would be back where I was in 2001 and I know I didn't want to be there.



My first step was telling Jason. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be as he has always been so supportive of me.



The next morning I called my Diamond Nurse (depression nurse) and said that I needed help. And felt that I needed more help than just a med adjustment. She talked to my primary care doc and called me back almost immediately. They both suggested that I go to the ER to see if I could get admitted to an inpatient program. They could call ahead and let the ER know that I was coming, but that was all they could do to make sure that the transition went easy. I showered (for the first time in 4 or 5 days) and packed some clothes, books, and toiletries and off to the ER we went.

Jason and I first went back to a little room that felt like it was closing in on me the longer I was in it, I didn't think that I had anxiety or claustrophobia...but I didn't know how long I could manage in it. Thankfully I was soon wheeled up to the Generose in the Mood Disorders Unit.

It was a really different experience than when I was up in Miller Dwan back in 2001. That felt almost like a jail. It was awful. This one there wasn't the loud clank of a door when you were admitted. It was a really warm and inviting environment, surprisingly. The first day and a half was hard. I sat by myself, and then started to socialize more. I'm going to miss some of the people that I have met here.

I've gotten some good information out of the classes, but not all of them. Some of them are a joke. But for the classes that I didn't get much out, that's ok.

Someday's I get really overwhelmed by all of the paperwork/forms that I have to fill out and all of the reading I have to do. It's nice that I know I can just set it aside and return to it in a little while. I know that I a lot that I have to work on, but that is good.

I know that this is where I needed to be. And rather than be in Miller Dwan, here I have been open, honest, and speaking up in classes. I didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get out.

My release date sounds like it is Tuesday. Today I feel like I can handle that. I know that I have wonderful supportive network of people around me. For that I am so very thankful. I don't know what I would do without them, especially Jason.

This was really hard to admit that I needed to be in a psych ward, but I knew it was where I needed to be. This was a really good decision for me.

After getting out of the psych ward, I already have a therapist appointment set up, and I'm going to be attending an Intensive Outpatient Program for Cognitative Behavior Therapy.

It's almost bedtime here, but I'm glad I got to post it. :) I just wanted to let everyone know kind of what was going on.