Where I am at today.

I've had a blog post brewing in me about the song "Strong One" by Clint Black.

But tonight that's not what I'm going to blog about tonight. That one might hurt peoples feelings and I don't think I want to do that. I don't have it in me to fight tonight and tonight I'm not feeling like a "strong one."

Lately I've been struggling with headaches and migraines again. It sucks. I usually wake up with them. I've been trying not to complain and post, especially on Facebook, but really, who needs negative stuff on Facebook. Lately this has been my attitude about all the negative stuff I've been seeing on Facebook.

I've been removing people because of their negativity, and because right now, I don't need that in my life. I'm sorry, but right now that's one thing I can cut out and I will.

Anyway, back to the migraines. Last week I called in 4 days because of migraines/really bad headaches. It killed me to call in, I love my job, I really do. I don't know what else to do though when I get them. My meds kill me. Oh and the irony of missing work last week? I also missed my headache clinic appointment due to a migraine. Heh. Isn't that the irony of all ironies?

I love going to work and being there and doing my job. It's fun, I have a variety of tasks, I feel appreciated for all I do. Someday's are frustrating, but that is with any job. I don't feel as if I have too much on my plate. My plate is full so to speak, but not overfull.

Also, I've really been struggling with my depression. I've been sinking back down again, and it's been really to pull myself back up. I'm doing what I can, and I really need to pull back out some of my IOP resources. They are all in a bag and very accessible. I've been doing things that I enjoy, playing with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles, getting outside, reading, and doing a bit of shopping. I'm doing my best not to isolate myself and keeping my positive/healthy habits going. It's hard as hell, and I'm keeping my head above water, but it's hard.

Because of my depression coming back, my Effexor was increased from 150 mg to 225 mg. After that was upped, I got 2 awful migraines. (Noting that for my own records.)

There are a couple things that are concerning to me. First, when I'm down, I want to go out and shop and spend money in hopes that it will make me happy. I've done some shopping, and now nothing was put on credit cards and nothing was overdrawn, etc. But that money should have gone towards our debt. Is this why they thought about diagnosing me with bipolar?

The second thing that has been me on the brink of tears since about 3 p.m. today is that my supervisor talked to me and said that I am doing an amazing job, when I'm here, but with all my absences, they would like to bring in a Kelly Temp person at least through orientation (the month of June) to be a back up for me if I'm off unexpectedly and to help with checkouts if at all possible. She did get approval from Administration for this. It makes sense, but it hurts. I've been very open with my supervisor and my coworker Trish about my depression and my supervisor said that when I called in I sounded so sad that it hurt her to hear my messages. (She lost her daughter to suicide, so she knows depression all too well.) And that if there is anything they can do for me in the meantime at work to please let me know. They want me to get the migraines and depression figured out so I can be back to work full time, as they really enjoy me, and my "skills are impeccable" but I just need to be there more.

All of that brings me to this:

I've come up with a few different options. One that I think I really need is to go spend time alone somewhere. For a week or two. To figure things out. But would that be a mistake? Would it not be? I don't have the paid time off to do. I don't have the money to go anywhere. But I truly thing that is what I need. To remove myself from my current situation, and go somewhere alone. Just me. I feel as if I truly need this. It would be healthy for me. But would it be a mistake? I don't know. Do I have the courage to do this? Can I do this? Can I make this happen?

Acupuncture

I'm fed up with my migraines and headaches. I just can't deal with them anymore. I am so over them. I feeling like I'm being pumped full of pills for no reason since they are not helping. I'll be honest, I'm ready to go off all my pills and just say fuck it and be done with doctors.

Last week while I was off work with migraines, I got to thinking that I should look into acupuncture as that has been known to help other people. I'm not afraid of needles, and it's not a pill. (I think Dr.'s prescribe pills way too easily now days, but that's just me.) And really, what do I have to lose by trying it?

Earlier this week, I went to lunch with one of my former co-workers, Debbie. During lunch I mentioned acupuncture to her and she said that Mayo offers acupuncture! I was SHOCKED! I kinda view acupuncture as a holistic medicine and didn't think that Mayo would support/provide that. Turns out they do! It's a very small area, and apparently you have to have a referral to go there, and my primary care doctor gave me one! I called earlier this week on it and have an appointment set up for December 8.

After I set up my appointment I got to thinking that perhaps my Mayo insurance would cover it....I wasn't hopeful, but was kinda hoping that they would cover 50% of it. I called MMSI (our insurance provider) and asked. It is covered 90% as long as it is for a medical reason and the doctor giving the acupuncture fills out a pre-determination form. I called and asked him to fill one out. Now to wait and hear back, but I am hopeful.

I am SHOCKED. 100% SHOCKED. I was bracing myself for the whole "no we do not cover that" line. I am very thankful for my insurance. VERY BLESSED.

Oh and I'll post an update after I have the acupuncture done!

Working on me.

Work is offering a program called "LiveWell", and if you take the Health Risk Assessment, you receive 500 points, which entitles you to $10 off each months premiums of health insurance through June 2009. If both you and your spouse work here and do this, you get $20 off per month. Since I'm counting my pennies, we are both doing this! (At least, I think I can convince Jason to!) Then if you continue to use the program and earn 1,000 points by the end of June 2009, you can continue to get the amount off through December 2009.

This is a great incentive to work on me. I want to work on myself. To get myself in a better place. I know I have a long way to go on weight loss and exercise. I was down to 208 last year, and let's just say I'm way over that now. I want to get down under 200. I would LOVE that.

I'm ready to embark on this journey. Before I was using http://www.sparkpeople.com/ to track my food and such, but you know what, I just find that site so busy these days with all the ads and everything. It kind of stresses me out to go there. I'm just not fond of it anymore. Work is offering a similar site through LiveWell. I will use that to track my food (based off of their menus) and exercise.

Because I want to lose weight, I joined their "Healthy Weight Program" and with a little more looking around, I also joined their "My Stress Solution" program. The Healthy Weight program is a 12 week program, though you can use the tools much longer than that. The My Stress Solution program is only a 4 week program.

I'm looking forward to going through these, and working on me.

I found a great quote today that fits.

Be selfish. No matter how busy you are, set aside at least a few minutes for yourself every day. {Found on LiveWell site}