Forewarning...I'm having a hard time wording things today, so bear with me here, lol.
Do people really know who you are? Do you let people get close to you or do you hold everyone at arms length?I recently had my annual performance appraisal at work and there were comments on my positive attitude, always has a smile on her face, never gets angry or mad even when working with difficult customers.
I have always put on a good front for people. I tend to hold people at arms length and never really let anyone get close. I will talk about things that don't really matter, but I never talk about things that matter. I keep those thoughts and feelings inside. I have always been good at hiding my feelings, not letting anyone know what I'm truly thinking and feeling. Wearing a mask so to speak. I wear a mask all day long at work, and when I come home, it comes off a little bit, but never really all the way. I'm always wearing a bit of a mask.
I also recently realized that I'm great at pushing people away. It doesn't matter who it is, I manage to push people away who try to get closer to me. I've done a lot of thinking lately on my past relationships and some events that have shaped me to who I am today, and I think the pushing people away comes from getting hurt or let down by someone you care deeply about. There have only been a handful people who I have not been able to push away, even though I tried, and didn't even realize it until looking back.
One of those people was a person I thought was a great friend and listener. This person seemed to understand me and get me. I let my guard down and told this person things that I had never told anyone. Things that I had been holding inside of me for years. This person really started to make me feel uncomfortable and finally I stopped all communication with this person. I didn't realize what a hold this person had on me, and I have felt much happier now that that "hold" isn't there. I can't explain the hold that this person had on me, but it was a tight one. Every now and then I still think about this person hoping that they are ok, but I am relieved and much happier that they are gone from my life.
Now that I'm rambling, let's try to get back on topic. Masks. No, not Halloween masks either, lol. So on the outside I put on a good front, everyone seems to think that I'm so put together, perfect, and have no problems. That is the front I put on I guess. Inside, I feel like I'm crumbling away, I feel lost.
Now I'm probably going to come across as some emo kid here, but I found a couple icons that seem to fit how I feel.
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h8/gamerbabe360/inside.gif
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h8/gamerbabe360/tough.jpg
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h8/gamerbabe360/ev.gif
Last night I was really down and all out of sorts. No real reason why either, I just was. A little bit before 9 p.m. the phone rings. I look at Jason and say "It's my guys." He gives me a weird look and I say "The missionaries." It turns out I was right. I don't know how I knew it was them, I just did. We have no caller ID or anything, I just knew. I think I freaked Jason out a little bit. Anyway, I set up a time for them to over again, and as they always ask, "Is there anything I can help you with tonight?" Of course I say, "No." What am I supposed to say, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown and don't know what to do? Yea, that would really freak out these young kids. They are probably 19 or 20 would be my guess.
It really makes me uncomfortable when people ask, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Do you need help with anything?" I don't like asking or accepting the offers of help, especially since I don't know what I need. I would rather help other people.
Yesterday on the radio, the traffic trivia question was "The average woman does this 32 times a year." The answer was cry. Personally I think that is too low. I cry more than that, typically when I'm alone and before bed. I can't tell you the times that I have cried myself to sleep, and woke up feeling much better. Last night I couldn't cry...I hate that....it seems to happen when I really need to cry too.
Now I really have no clue where I'm going with this. My mind is spinning in 1000 different directions with so many thoughts and things swirling around in there. I think I'm going to stop writing for now, since I have no clue where I was going....
1 comment:
Hey-
First of all- we loved seeing you the other day. Don't take so long to see us next time...j/k we share in some of that. I know we are all very busy. but I just wanted let you know how much we enjoyed your company. You really made our day.
You do put on a "mask" and wear it well. I have looked back at alot of pictures (I think I'm still stuck in the past a bit)of our whole clan and you can see that mask in very few pictures. I remember one in particular in our senior year book... You are trying to look happy and have a huge smile but behind that smile is something else, and its not happiness. I like to analyze anything and everything from the words and tones in conversations to pictures. So I look for the hidden stuff. Nobody likes to feel vulnerable, so many people put on a front of some sort. Some seem angry or mean, others just never shut up. (that would be me, I think if I shut up then I have to think about and deal with things dont' want to think about or deal with.) Anything to keep people (and sometimes ourselves) from seeing our weaknesses. (and sometimes that is what we preceived to be who we really are, a weakness... but its not)
As long as I've known you, you have usually had a smile on your face and been very positive towards others. I honestly can't remember many negitive comments coming out of your mouth if any. As positive as you do not feel sometimes, I think you make a huge difference to other people, you always have. Even though you don't always see that difference.
I think most of us are a little less like ourselves out side the home but can feel pretty comfortable at home. When I need to tell my husband something I am afraid to tell him (for what ever reason) I have come up with a something that works for me. In my mind when the lights are off and he can't see me, I can't be held responsible for what i say, in other words if we are in the dark I can tell him what ever I am thinking or feeling (or even cry) and he has to listen and we can discuss it but once the lights come back on, we talk about it no more. and if I'm really feeling insecure, I will drive him out to the middle of the country in the dark (litterally in the middle of no where ) so he can't run away... This usually makes me feel alittle more comfortable too. I know it sounds really silly and child-like, but it works for me. And I guess you dont' necessarily need to talk about it to someone, so long as you have a way of letting it out. Bottling stuff up is not good. I'm probly the last person to talk cuz I'm pretty bad at it but believe it or not, lots of chronic illnesses either caused by or really aggrivated by stress etc. And most people don't need that added stress.
The "hold" people can have on you can be very strong. Sometimes it sneaks up on you long after you think you have dealt with it.
Amber, you have always been soooo sweet and understanding and helpful. I myself have great respect for you and what you have been through and how you have handled many difficult situations. You are stronger than you think. STep back and look at all the positive qualities that you have. Look and see how your positive qualities affect other people... Your little sisters have a great role model. Your mom is obviously very proud of you, and with good reason. Just reading what your husband has to say, you can tell that he absolutly adores you. That is awesome! You help me motivate myself in different aspects of my life, even though we dont' get to talk much, you make that difference for me when I read what you have to share, I can't imagine how much you help all the other people around you. As lost as you may feel sometimes, remember you have a huge support system, thats probly the best place to be lost...
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