Refocusing

So now I really should be packing since Jason and I are going away tomorrow night, but ya know what, I'm in the mood to write, so that's what I'm going to do, lol.

I've had my eyes opened up again. I have realized that I have been very selfish again. I had this realization last fall too, and thought I had gotten better, but I haven't really. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say that I have had more than a few mis-steps. A few big ones too, but ones that no one really knows about but Jason and I. I'm working to improve those, and will continue to do so.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I am a very private, yet open person. Yes I know that makes no sense, but hear me out here. I don't like talking about me to people I know. Such as co-workers, families, friends. If they ask questions I answer, but I have a hard time spilling my guts to them so to speak. I'm not really sure why. Now online, I have a couple close good friends that I can talk to about anything. With them, I'm an open book. Probably because they don't "know" me and I guess I feel that they won't judge me. Maybe that's it. So I'm a very private yet open person.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there, like I said, I'm in the mood to write, so who knows where this will end up going, lol. :)

Back to the selfishness. I was doing what I was doing under the guise of what would make me happy, finding myself so to speak. Maybe I shouldn't say guise that's not the right word.....I was doing what I was doing, thinking I was finding happiness and working on me. It turns out that I wasn't. Happiness has been with me all along. I have everything I need right here to be happy. I have a very supportive and loving husband, a roof over my head, and a steady job.

I think that there is one thing missing there though....God. Now don't get me wrong, I have always believed in God. But never really felt like I had a "home" so to speak. Back when I was in confirmation, I never really paid attention, I regret that now. I want to learn more, I want to find a church that I belong to, a home to to speak. I want that feeling of peace that I get periodically to stay with me longer than a couple minutes. I want to pray to Him and to listen to Him. I have finally realized that He is the missing link in my life. So I am going to explore different religions and find a church here in town. One of the guys that I play with often on xbox live has been talking to me quite a bit lately about God and religion. He's a very religious family man, great fun to play with on Halo too. But we have been having some interesting conversations about God and religion, and I can feel the love of God through him. He is passionate about his religion and I truly feel that God has put him in my life at this point to help me figure this out. To smack me upside the head and tell me, hey, this is what your missing. So Thank you God for smacking me upside the head. I'm actually paying attention this time too. :) Who knew the effect that playing video games would have on me. :)

So now I'm going to explore religion and get to know God. Accept him into my life. I'm both excited and scared to go on this journey, but I'm ready to do this. I need to do this. I can do this.