Reconnect

Jason and I decided to go up the Cities on May 26. We booked a "Spa room" at the Courtyard Marriott near the Mall of America. Basically it was a hotel room with a king bed and whirlpool. Very nice. :)

I decided that since this was going to be a romantic weekend away, that I wanted to do a picnic. On Friday night, we ran to the store quick before Jason left for work and picked up some stuff. Friday night I cut, chopped, baked and dipped. We ended up having french bread with spinach dip, cheese cubes, chocolate dipped strawberries, crackers, lunch meat, cupcakes, and sparkling grape juice. I packed a tablecloth and also the glasses that Ma made us for our wedding.

Here are the chocolate dipped strawberries and the cupcakes:

And here is everything in the room once everything got all set up, we decided to have a picnic on the hotel floor, LOL. :)

Jason even surprised me and put the fabric rose petals in the hot tub! Of course we couldn't run that in there, so we sprinkled them all around the edge to dry. It was so sweet.

I really felt that Jason and I reconnected this weekend. We openly talked about a lot of different things and I feel that we are stronger than ever now. We really needed that weekend. Even though it's been about a week and a half, I'm still smiling and laughing about some of the things that we did. I still feel like we are so much stronger now. It's never easy to talk to your significant other, but it is well worth it. You can't keep things to yourself.....that I have learned.....it's much better to lay it all out so to speak.

Refocusing

So now I really should be packing since Jason and I are going away tomorrow night, but ya know what, I'm in the mood to write, so that's what I'm going to do, lol.

I've had my eyes opened up again. I have realized that I have been very selfish again. I had this realization last fall too, and thought I had gotten better, but I haven't really. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say that I have had more than a few mis-steps. A few big ones too, but ones that no one really knows about but Jason and I. I'm working to improve those, and will continue to do so.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I am a very private, yet open person. Yes I know that makes no sense, but hear me out here. I don't like talking about me to people I know. Such as co-workers, families, friends. If they ask questions I answer, but I have a hard time spilling my guts to them so to speak. I'm not really sure why. Now online, I have a couple close good friends that I can talk to about anything. With them, I'm an open book. Probably because they don't "know" me and I guess I feel that they won't judge me. Maybe that's it. So I'm a very private yet open person.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there, like I said, I'm in the mood to write, so who knows where this will end up going, lol. :)

Back to the selfishness. I was doing what I was doing under the guise of what would make me happy, finding myself so to speak. Maybe I shouldn't say guise that's not the right word.....I was doing what I was doing, thinking I was finding happiness and working on me. It turns out that I wasn't. Happiness has been with me all along. I have everything I need right here to be happy. I have a very supportive and loving husband, a roof over my head, and a steady job.

I think that there is one thing missing there though....God. Now don't get me wrong, I have always believed in God. But never really felt like I had a "home" so to speak. Back when I was in confirmation, I never really paid attention, I regret that now. I want to learn more, I want to find a church that I belong to, a home to to speak. I want that feeling of peace that I get periodically to stay with me longer than a couple minutes. I want to pray to Him and to listen to Him. I have finally realized that He is the missing link in my life. So I am going to explore different religions and find a church here in town. One of the guys that I play with often on xbox live has been talking to me quite a bit lately about God and religion. He's a very religious family man, great fun to play with on Halo too. But we have been having some interesting conversations about God and religion, and I can feel the love of God through him. He is passionate about his religion and I truly feel that God has put him in my life at this point to help me figure this out. To smack me upside the head and tell me, hey, this is what your missing. So Thank you God for smacking me upside the head. I'm actually paying attention this time too. :) Who knew the effect that playing video games would have on me. :)

So now I'm going to explore religion and get to know God. Accept him into my life. I'm both excited and scared to go on this journey, but I'm ready to do this. I need to do this. I can do this.

Kenny Chesney

Jason and I went to the Kenny Chesney concert in the cities on May 13. It was a freaking awesome concert!!! I had very high expectations for it and he surpassed them!! He made the audience feel like part of the show and that he was happy to be here, it was amazing. I want to go and see him again! It was a wonderful night, I yelled, screamed, sang,and danced the night away. While he was on stage, I think I only sat down for one or two songs. Looking back, I don't think that there was one song that I wanted to hear that he didn't play. He hit all of the ones that I loved. Next time, maybe floor seats. ;)

And of course, since I'm a spending whore every now and then, I bought some stuff, lol. :)

Relationships...

Isn't it funny how one little conversation can change everything. A lie that has been going on for five years. In a relationship that can make or break you, I guess. Something that should have been said that very first time that it happened, or in this case didn't, but not a word was said. A very important part of a romantic relationship. Something that in my opinion can make or break you. At first it didn't seem like a huge deal, but after 5 years, it is something that slowly eats away at you and makes you almost feel resentful of people that can do this, and makes you feel broken, so to speak. A conversation that is one of the hardest things that you have ever had to say...and then you wonder if it was the right thing to do. Maybe that lie should have been kept longer, but then the person keeping it would be more and more unhappy. But this lie will more than likely make the other person unhappy, but shouldn't the truth be put out there?

Doesn't everyone deserve happiness? I think they do. But what do you do when you don't know what will make you happy? All of these thoughts and what ifs swirling around in your head all the time. Would this make me happy or would this make me happy? Hard to know what can and will make you happy until you are there in the moment and reflect on it.

Another important part of a relationship is communication. Sitting down and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts, dreams, what you would like in the future, what you are thinking now. Even if you have a hard time sharing your thoughts and feelings, it is necessary in a relationship. You can't keep them from your significant other, if you want to make your relationship work. If you don't share your feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, even the little things like how your day was, the other person feels emotionally detached, wondering if something is wrong, wondering what to do. It's one thing to talk about video games and movies, but another to share your more intimate thoughts. That is what makes a relationship. That is what makes or breaks you the relationship. It does not help a relationship to be silent and either ignore the person or to pretend nothing ever happened. At least that is my opinion.

Job

On a whim this weekend, I looked through the job postings in the newspaper. I typically don't do that, I usually just look online. Some of you may remember a previous post about me regretting not applying for a library job. There was an ad in the paper for a Library Assistant 1 job. (The other one was a Library Assistant 2.) I submitted my application and resume this morning. I'm crossing my fingers that I get an interview. The only thing that I am worried about is that I'm overqualified. The only requirements are a high school diploma, and 6 months clerical experience. I have an AAS degree, and 5 years clerical experience. If you could send prayers/good vibes that if the position is right for me, I at least get an interview. I'm so nervous. But I'm so ready for a change. It's past time.

Ultimate Compliment

For those of you that know me, I'm definitely not fashionable. I've never been. For the most part I've been a jeans and t-shirt kinda person, but have always enjoyed dressing up. Growing up, life on the farm didn't call for that often. I had *tons* of play clothes, that I could go out and get dirty and it didn't matter. I've never really been huge into clothes, as long as it's comfy, and fits, it's all good. I used to hate going clothes shopping since I could never find anything I truly loved and ended up settling on clothing that kinda fit.

Since losing weight, this has all changed. I now actually enjoy going shopping, and trying clothes on. Honestly, I'm getting very picky with what I wear and buy now. I've been buying clothes that I *love*. Especially when we go to Torrid, up at the Mall of America. I've ordered from Torrid online many times before, mainly when I get emails with sale or half off clearance stuff, but I also have to guess on the sizes. I have some stuff in my closet that I'm still waiting to fit into, which I'm very, very,very close to. :) But Torrid is my store, for the most part. LOVE that store.

Over the weekend, Jason and I were up at the Mall of America, and I desperately need work pants again. I have a terrible time finding work pants too, I have no idea why, but they never quite fit me right. So I went in there to look for pants, and other stores. Guess what, I left with other clothes, but no pants. Typical me, huh? ;) I honestly didn't pay attention to prices when I was in there, I just wanted to try stuff on and see if I liked it or not, thinking that for the most part, I would end up not liking it. Granted, I did leave about half the clothes I tried on in the store. ;) For those of you that know me well, I'm a bargain shopper. I hate paying full price for anything. I'd much rather wait for it to go on sale than pay full price. Unless I *LOVE* something, then I will reluctantly pay full price. I paid full price for everything at Torrid. I ended up getting 3 shirts, 1 jacket thing to go over two of them, so I can wear them to work, a skirt, and another pack of bangle bracelets.

This morning I decided to wear one of my new tops to work. It's a short sleeved, black v-neck top, with bright pink trim along the v-neck and below the bust. Since the shirt is low cut, I'm wearing a tight black tube top underneath the shirt so I don't pop out. That would so not be a good thing at work, LOL. I'm wearing it with a knee length black skirt. I have my hair straightened, and then pulled back in a wide headband. Minimal makeup, foundation, powder, mascara, and I did my lips as well. I felt pretty good about myself when I left the house. Especially when Jason's jaw dropped when he saw me. But I get to work, punch in, am sitting at my desk and one of the people that I support comes in and says, "You look so fashionable as usual." I was shocked, I have *never* been told I'm fashionable. That is the ultimate compliment in my opinion. Needless to say that made my day. :)