Rainbow Cupcakes

I made for my friend Angie's birthday. Can you tell that I have a thing for Polaroid frames?

Major Decision

First, I have to say that I saved this from the PostSecret website back in 2009 sometime. The thing about PostSecret secrets is that there really isn't an archive of them. I tend to save the ones that mean something to me. I was just looking around on my computer for a file I created quite a while ago and stumbled across this.

This fits me well. Though not necessarily the word "compromised." I have thought about others during every major decision in my life. I have put myself last while making them. Now how is that fair to me? It's not. From now on. I'm doing the unthinkable to me. I'm putting myself first. I'm worth it.

If anyone out there reading my blog is like me, and putting everyone else first in their life and yourself last, I'm going to be blunt here, that is part of what landed me in the psych ward. Now I'm not saying go out and be selfish in every decision you make. But remember to take time for you. Think about yourself some more. Make time for yourself and the stuff you want to do. If there is a major decision in your life, don't put other's opinions first. Put yourself first. You are worth it.

Home

In my last post I kinda explained what let up to the psych ward experience, but didn't really get a chance to explain much of it.

First, I met a couple of good cohorts there, Angie and Kurt Angie actually lives close to Rochester but Kurt lives in Michigan. It was great to meet them though. We all have been in contact with one another already. I think it helps being able to get support from people who have been there, especially the same time that you were. Don't get me wrong, I will still utilize my support system here at home. But man, we had a blast talking, laughing, and Angie and I both cried at different points during our stay. It was great being there for each other. I have a feeling that we will be life long friends.

The classes were hit and miss. Some of them I got a lot out of, other ones I walked out of more confused than I walked in. I can usually comprehend and information pretty well, but a couple of the classes I didn't That was very frustrating for me. I think that I got a lot out of the Cogitative Behavioral Therapy classes. I kinda want to do a brief post explaining what I learned because it made sense to me. I also learned a ton in Occupational Therapy. That was one of my favorites. Though my all time favorite classes was Recreation Therapy. Does that surprise anyone? I started a wood burning project! I have never done wood burning before, but it has always interested me. I didn't get finish the project, but I ordered a wood burning gun from Joann's online since they don't carry them in store. I actually got it for a really good deal too! I can't wait for it to get it. It's just amazing to me what all you can create with wood burning and the oil pencils. I'm getting 8 of those with my set, but I think I'm going to want more. I picked up a new hobby in there Yay!

I also wrote down quite a few quotes that I enjoyed throughout my time there. I think I'm going to have to post those on there as I think a few of you enjoy questions as well. I also got a bunch of movie recommendations as well as a bunch of book recommendations. Maybe that would be a good place to go on Friday.

I start my Intensive Outpatient Program on Monday. I go there 3 days a week from 8 a.m. to noon for 3 weeks. I also have appointments in the next 3 weeks as well. It's nice having them all set up in advanced though. That makes me feel relieved, which is a very good thing.

Yesterday, I was very emotional though. I think it's because I tried to over do it and do a "normal" day from before. Despite my Occupational therapist telling me not to over do it but don't under do it either. Today I'm doing much better. I've been productive, I worked on my knifty knitter, and I blogged so far! I'm planning on doing something on the treadmill too. My goal right now, is to just do 10 minutes 3 times a week. I know it's not much, but just to ease myself back into it, and besides doing that is better than nothing. If I want to do more, then that's fine, if not, that's fine too.

Does anyone have any questions about when I was in the Psych Ward? I'm more than willing to answer them to the best of my ability.

I am in a psych ward.

For those that know me well, know that I have struggled with depression since my teen years. I attempted suicide in 2001 and landed myself in a psych ward for 5 days. I told them everything they wanted to hear to get me out. I did not want to be there at all. When I got out, I went to see a counselor is our local town, I don't even remember what his name was, but he told me that I had, "Severe Chronic Depression and that there was nothing he could do to help me and that I had to learn how to say no." After that I kind of swore off therapists.



My depression has been coming back full force lately. I seen my primary care doctor about a year and a half ago and got put on Celexa for my depression. Then I went back a few months ago since I felt the Celexa wasn't working well and they suggested that I up the dosage. Looking back now, that is when I started to get migraines on a more regular basis. Not a good thing at all. Not feeling good and missing so much work worsened my depression. I started feeling so hopeless and if I didn't get help, then I would be back where I was in 2001 and I know I didn't want to be there.



My first step was telling Jason. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be as he has always been so supportive of me.



The next morning I called my Diamond Nurse (depression nurse) and said that I needed help. And felt that I needed more help than just a med adjustment. She talked to my primary care doc and called me back almost immediately. They both suggested that I go to the ER to see if I could get admitted to an inpatient program. They could call ahead and let the ER know that I was coming, but that was all they could do to make sure that the transition went easy. I showered (for the first time in 4 or 5 days) and packed some clothes, books, and toiletries and off to the ER we went.

Jason and I first went back to a little room that felt like it was closing in on me the longer I was in it, I didn't think that I had anxiety or claustrophobia...but I didn't know how long I could manage in it. Thankfully I was soon wheeled up to the Generose in the Mood Disorders Unit.

It was a really different experience than when I was up in Miller Dwan back in 2001. That felt almost like a jail. It was awful. This one there wasn't the loud clank of a door when you were admitted. It was a really warm and inviting environment, surprisingly. The first day and a half was hard. I sat by myself, and then started to socialize more. I'm going to miss some of the people that I have met here.

I've gotten some good information out of the classes, but not all of them. Some of them are a joke. But for the classes that I didn't get much out, that's ok.

Someday's I get really overwhelmed by all of the paperwork/forms that I have to fill out and all of the reading I have to do. It's nice that I know I can just set it aside and return to it in a little while. I know that I a lot that I have to work on, but that is good.

I know that this is where I needed to be. And rather than be in Miller Dwan, here I have been open, honest, and speaking up in classes. I didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get out.

My release date sounds like it is Tuesday. Today I feel like I can handle that. I know that I have wonderful supportive network of people around me. For that I am so very thankful. I don't know what I would do without them, especially Jason.

This was really hard to admit that I needed to be in a psych ward, but I knew it was where I needed to be. This was a really good decision for me.

After getting out of the psych ward, I already have a therapist appointment set up, and I'm going to be attending an Intensive Outpatient Program for Cognitative Behavior Therapy.

It's almost bedtime here, but I'm glad I got to post it. :) I just wanted to let everyone know kind of what was going on.