Where I am at today.

I've had a blog post brewing in me about the song "Strong One" by Clint Black.

But tonight that's not what I'm going to blog about tonight. That one might hurt peoples feelings and I don't think I want to do that. I don't have it in me to fight tonight and tonight I'm not feeling like a "strong one."

Lately I've been struggling with headaches and migraines again. It sucks. I usually wake up with them. I've been trying not to complain and post, especially on Facebook, but really, who needs negative stuff on Facebook. Lately this has been my attitude about all the negative stuff I've been seeing on Facebook.

I've been removing people because of their negativity, and because right now, I don't need that in my life. I'm sorry, but right now that's one thing I can cut out and I will.

Anyway, back to the migraines. Last week I called in 4 days because of migraines/really bad headaches. It killed me to call in, I love my job, I really do. I don't know what else to do though when I get them. My meds kill me. Oh and the irony of missing work last week? I also missed my headache clinic appointment due to a migraine. Heh. Isn't that the irony of all ironies?

I love going to work and being there and doing my job. It's fun, I have a variety of tasks, I feel appreciated for all I do. Someday's are frustrating, but that is with any job. I don't feel as if I have too much on my plate. My plate is full so to speak, but not overfull.

Also, I've really been struggling with my depression. I've been sinking back down again, and it's been really to pull myself back up. I'm doing what I can, and I really need to pull back out some of my IOP resources. They are all in a bag and very accessible. I've been doing things that I enjoy, playing with sidewalk chalk, blowing bubbles, getting outside, reading, and doing a bit of shopping. I'm doing my best not to isolate myself and keeping my positive/healthy habits going. It's hard as hell, and I'm keeping my head above water, but it's hard.

Because of my depression coming back, my Effexor was increased from 150 mg to 225 mg. After that was upped, I got 2 awful migraines. (Noting that for my own records.)

There are a couple things that are concerning to me. First, when I'm down, I want to go out and shop and spend money in hopes that it will make me happy. I've done some shopping, and now nothing was put on credit cards and nothing was overdrawn, etc. But that money should have gone towards our debt. Is this why they thought about diagnosing me with bipolar?

The second thing that has been me on the brink of tears since about 3 p.m. today is that my supervisor talked to me and said that I am doing an amazing job, when I'm here, but with all my absences, they would like to bring in a Kelly Temp person at least through orientation (the month of June) to be a back up for me if I'm off unexpectedly and to help with checkouts if at all possible. She did get approval from Administration for this. It makes sense, but it hurts. I've been very open with my supervisor and my coworker Trish about my depression and my supervisor said that when I called in I sounded so sad that it hurt her to hear my messages. (She lost her daughter to suicide, so she knows depression all too well.) And that if there is anything they can do for me in the meantime at work to please let me know. They want me to get the migraines and depression figured out so I can be back to work full time, as they really enjoy me, and my "skills are impeccable" but I just need to be there more.

All of that brings me to this:

I've come up with a few different options. One that I think I really need is to go spend time alone somewhere. For a week or two. To figure things out. But would that be a mistake? Would it not be? I don't have the paid time off to do. I don't have the money to go anywhere. But I truly thing that is what I need. To remove myself from my current situation, and go somewhere alone. Just me. I feel as if I truly need this. It would be healthy for me. But would it be a mistake? I don't know. Do I have the courage to do this? Can I do this? Can I make this happen?

Computer Wallpaper

Last week I decided I was tired of my old wallpaper on my computer and wanted something inspiring on my new one. Of course I couldn't find anything I wanted. I've been struggling with my depression a bit again, nothing really bad, but whenever I get on my computer, I wanted a positive quote or something there. Since I could not find anything I made my own. Since I have not messed with Photoshop Elements in forever it took me eons to make. Yea it could be better, but I'm happy enough with it to share.

To Download:

Go to Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gamerbabe360/5747777784/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Click on "Download the Large size of this photo"

If you decide to use it, please post a comment here letting me know!

What would you like to have accomplished a year from now?

I read this on Yammer at work, and emailed it to myself thinking that it was appropriate for here as well.

What would you like to have accomplished a year from now? A year is a long time! If we desire some change to occur in our lives in the next year (promotion, debt-free, home purchase, etc.) we have to set some short-term goals. For some reason it is difficult to focus on a goal that is a year or more away. It is similar to looking at a painting from fifty yards away - you can see it, but not well enough to appreciate its beauty. When we can't see the goal clearly, we tend to get distracted by those things we can see clearly - the day-to-day problems and activities. So we need to create sub-goals that are easier to see and will continually move us towards our ultimate destination. Think through the steps that it will take to get you to that long-term goal and set your first goal close enough you can see it clearly and can anticipate the results. Working towards each short-term goal will bring us closer to that long-term goal we so desire. Remember the words of Karen Lamb, "A year from now you may wish you had started today."

I think that this is something that we all need to hear. It is common sense, but sometimes you need to hear common sense again. To push you in the right direction. I know I needed the push. Did you? I'm going to make at least one goal. Are you going to make your goals?